Thu | Dec 8, 2016

Calling all vaginas

Published:Wednesday | October 22, 2014 | 12:00 AM

I am in sympathy with all vaginas in the world, irrespective of race and class and place of abode. Vaginas all over the world need to form a union in order to try to get some inoculation against diseases.

Vaginas now have to go in hiding to rahtid. As soon as you hear the word ?illness? and ?body fluid?, it?s never good news for vaginas. Now Ebola is the latest assault on the vagina, and there are no vagina hazmat suits. I am sure that sex is still on the minds of sick men and women. I would imagine if you are not a homosexual man, the vagina would be on your mind.

So I believe we should form the World Association of Vaginas (WAV), and our local association would be the Jamaica Association of Vaginas (JAV). And we could elect any man to be the president.

Men have always wanted to have the biggest say on a woman?s vagina, so rather than pretend, let?s put a man at the helm. Then after that, while he thinks he is in control, you have the vagina riots.

Vaginas shouldn?t have to work after certain hours. If they have to start working before normal working time, special arrangements must be made for payments, such as jewellery, dinner, new outfit, new hairstyle, and that is provided that the vagina is on good terms with whomever is demanding it. The flexi-work bill was just passed in the Houses of Parliament; I hope vagina work time is covered.

You see, the working vagina has to rest and recuperate. It needs to be massaged and examined. And it does not matter how old it is, it is always in demand.

And before anyone gets carried away, let me make it clear that I am not talking about careless vaginas, the ones you see on the streetside begging to be used; and I am not talking about the vaginas that are being bleached, because I cannot imagine someone bleaching their upper body and figet down dere.

take a stand

Vaginas also have to fear the parasites who prey on them, wanting to take them by force. The john crows who prey on the vaginas of little girls, some of them their own relatives, their own children.

That is why we have to have a proper association, because the JAV would immediately be mobilised and a resolution calling for the immediate removal of the offending organ would be carried. Cut them all off until vaginas have no more fear to walk.

Vaginas must take a stand. No amount of money can compensate for hurt inflicted on vaginas over the centuries, and most times men are the cause of vaginal problems. If you don?t stand up for yourself, no one will. It?s now or never; vaginas, forward ever, backward never.

n Erica Virtue is a senior reporter with The Sunday Gleaner and presenter of Erica?s Edge, a feisty commentary which can be seen every week on The Gleaner?s website, jamaica-gleaner.com. Watch this edition of Erica?s Edge ?Calling all vaginas?, later this week. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and erica.virtue@gleanerjm.com.