Thu | Dec 8, 2016

Dictators wage war in vagina riots

Published:Wednesday | October 29, 2014 | 12:00 AM

I did not realise that there were so many dictators in Jamaica.

Last week, I called on vaginas to rally together because they are prone to injury, and the vast majority have no trust fund in times of deep distress. I wanted them to unite, and if even for a moment, forget the split that has the capacity to cause injury to others, while giving so much pleasure.

By the time the words came out in print, dictators began hammering my phone.

Everybody wanted to be president of the Jamaica Association of Vaginas. And it was only men.

Not one woman wanted to stand up for herself. I don't know if standing up would expose the split, or anything else. Whatever it was, the men decided that any thought of unification could lead to road closure. They moved swiftly to avoid any roadblock. They wanted free passage to enter their destinations.

When I challenged the argument that the only way we get results in Jamaica is to block roads, they offered to present the length and breadth of the rods of correction they would use. Some say they would bring out posts to make post holes, so they could plant sugar beans.

I offered viewing hours, but none has yet to show. I was left to wonder if this fight would also be fought with the mouth, for the mouth has been known to bring back the dead to life.

I suppose it will be easier to use mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in public, because some rods and posts can be hurtful to the public.

sealed with a kiss

I know that many fights have ended with a kiss and make-up. Some required a simple make-up kiss, while others kiss with deeper significance. I remember how I used to kiss my daughter's injuries when she was a tot, and the crying would disappear immediately. I imagine that kissing could go a long way to restoring good faith and many splits would be over, and persons would be in love again.

I learnt a valuable lesson from all the feedback, however. I learnt that the females can maintain splits all they want. But, you are not the owner. You are merely carrying it for someone else. Some of you know the person or persons for whom you are carrying; others are yet to know.

I realise that splits are a valuable piece of property. Sometimes it requires painting, especially if the property is close to the roadside. Those that are on the back roads may be able to survive much longer without painting. When it's time to advertise, we could use Ce'Cile to sing about the good nana-nana. Other than that, the property advertises itself.

Finally, a word to the posts who want to dig post holes. A friend reminded me last week that, as a teen, he was told that "post always dead left post hole".

The unification of splits is the least I could ask for.

Long live splits. Too bad dictators all die in the end.

n Erica Virtue is a senior reporter with The Sunday Gleaner and presenter of Erica's Edge, a feisty commentary which can be seen every week on The Gleaner's website, jamaica-gleaner.com. Watch another edition of Erica's Edge later this week. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and erica.virtue@gleanerjm.com.