The Gleaner has been publishing 2015 predictions by famous seers, religious prophets and other nutty fruitcakes.
Nobody asked me (sob). Well, I've consulted my personal Swami, a Korean consultant to CHEC named Seung-Yul Noh. After much meditation and consultation with crystal balls (not Billy's), this is what he predicted for Jamaica in 2015:
January: Two murders per day are recorded especially of married couples in their homes. Police puzzled. National security minister hails reduction in annualised average murder rate to less than 750. Booklist Boyne nominates Peter Bunting for Nobel Peace Prize and condemns assault on Christianity. Saint Shirley denounces latest gay marriage lobby which she says is responsible. Young Andrew summons Karl.
February: USA declares cyber war on North Korea. Portia swiftly offers assistance and sends Fenton Ferguson as military advisor. North Korea cries "foul" as chik-V cripples the fingers of its computer hackers. Bunting offers to send MOCA, POCA and SOCA. Young Andrew summons Karl.
March: New NHT board appointed. Former chairman Easton Douglas retires for personal reasons and is replaced by Lennie Little-White. Of the former board, only Lambert Brown survives. PSOJ hails the development as an implementation of 2014's promise by the prime minister. Young Andrew mutters "Karl outasight!"
April: USA/Cuba formally normalise relations. Al Sharpton named first American ambassador to Cuba. Portia embraces new development. Trevor Munroe applauds USA's move as one of the highest integrity and hails Sharpton as a man of vision and commerce "Just the man to promote honour in regional relations," says Munroe. Young Andrew silent.
May: Three school principals announce they are gay. Education Ministry calls for immediate school board meeting. Saint Shirley issues statement accusing gay lobby of orchestrating disgusting campaign to tell the truth. Parliament passes law banning all gay teachers from public service. Young Andrew says, "Kaaaaaarl!"
June: Murders top three per day. Parliament passes a law permitting police to search any citizen reasonably suspected of wearing clothes. Booklist hails combination of "hard and soft policing" and nominates Bunting for Lifetime Achievement Award. Young Andrew joins nudist colony.
July: Lizard found on Goat Island! Government commissions feasibility studies on appointing the lizard to supervise planned logistics hub. Diana Macaulay/Peter Espeut blame high murder rate on excessive summer heat caused by coral reef destruction and warn that the lizard must be protected from gunmen at all costs. Young Andrew: "At last! They found Karl."
August: 20 per cent of Jamaican CXC candidates fail to pass one subject. Only 38 per cent pass maths. Education ministry hails results as massive improvement on 2014's score. Asked about the 62 per cent maths failure, a spokesman replied, "No problem, Mon. They'll write music!" Carolyn Cooper says "I told you so. If you'd a teach dem Patois, dat couldn't happen." Booklist celebrates the education minister's "unprecedented" achievements.
September: Tivoli Enquiry finally runs out of Tivoli residents to verbally abuse and embarks upon enquiry into reasons for police/military strategy. Not one security forces member testifies. Enquiry finds Tivoli residents shot themselves in an attempt to make the PNP look bad. Bunting congratulates security forces on another crime-reduction triumph. Young Andrew says "Whew!"
October: Cuba gears up for upcoming tourist season by banning harassment and costing each all-inclusive vacation at US$100 per person per week. New Cuban law calls for public execution of all tourist harassers. Portia asks USA to reconsider lifting of embargo. Cuba rescinds all aid to Jamaica. Young Andrew smiles.
November: JUTC continues to be wracked by losses due to corruption, so Parliament passes law that all passengers on public transport must strip naked and be searched before entering the bus. Social media clamours for Lisa to be transported to work by bus.
December: Peter Phillips announces new wage freeze, but says IMF has ordered national safety net to be widened. Accordingly, Parliament passes a law banning Christmas and ordering all planned Christmas spending to be contributed to 2016 political campaign funds instead. Munroe gives his stamp of approval "I never did like Christmas anyway" he says: "It's a non egalitarian celebration. What Jamaica needs now is more politics, less religion". When asked for a reaction, Portia says "Ask Peter." Booklist hails the enforced recognition of Christ's birthday over materialistic "Christmas" and nominates Peter Phillips as 2015's Personality of the Year. Parliament passes a law making only political parties with the initials P.N.P. eligible to run for elections. Young Andrew meets with Karl on Goat Island, thanks him for his advice during the year and asks for suggestions for a new party name.
Peace and Love.
n Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org.