Fri | Dec 9, 2016

Breaking news from Apocrypha

Published:Tuesday | March 10, 2015 | 12:00 AM

In Apocrypha, that fantasy land beyond the clouds where politicians are frenemies and notorious PhD in logic, Oma D'unn, solves political dilemmas with parables, Parliament assembled to debate proposed legislation from the nation's executive.

It was expected to be historic, so Apocrypha's leading television station, Naughty News Network (NNN), was present throughout. NNN was fond of boasting it was first with everything. Accordingly, it wasn't shy about prefacing all reports with the tag line 'Breaking News'. During the epochal parliamentary session, NNN's favourite phrase was repeatedly seen.

BREAKING NEWS: Finance Minister Petros Ocnus Kardia (P.O.K.) Phillipos proposed to legislate that no period during which an IMF test was passed could be called a 'recession'. P.O.K., with a quick shake of head, refuted all suggestions Apocrypha was in recession and claimed that, if commentators researched far enough ago, they'd find periods with worse economic contraction. "Compared with those bygone days," P.O.K. urged, "we've grown. Media are making mischief to suggest otherwise. Look how we pass nuff IMF test. If Apocrypha was in recession, we couldn't pass IMF test." Opposition Spokesman R.U. Shaw argued it was passing IMF tests that caused the recession, but P.O.K. retorted that when R.U. was finance minister, Apocrypha was permanently in recession AND failed most IMF tests.

The debate was derailed when R.U. accused Petros of being too big for his britches, to which Petros took offence. This started a free-for-all, which ended when East Elizatown MP, Fisher Price, tried to throw a pencil at Shaw but it hit Petros in the back. "See, I tell you," joked R.U. "Nutten can't get around yu." At this point, the speaker intervened and postponed the vote.

 

Celibacy ban

 

BREAKING NEWS: Youth Minister Leona Anofa proposed a law making celibacy illegal, punishable by five to 10 years watching Playboy Channel. She said women were tired of being the butt of creepy old men's disrespect. She argued that, if celibacy was outlawed, women could wear bikinis to the beach in peace and the economy would be rescued from recession by condom sales alone. Her sternest opposition came from Central Kings Town MP, Runny Nose Twit, who championed celibacy as the friend of every Jamaican man whose choice of concubine would otherwise be restricted. "It's a market-driven phenomenon," he whispered angelically, nose in the air to prevent unpleasant distribution of fluid. "If more men have heterosexual sex, this'll reduce the supply of women for the rest of us."

BREAKING NEWS: Health Minister Fenky Fenky proposed a law forcing every citizen to be vaccinated against chik-V. "Mr Speaker," he intoned, "many Apocryphans don't believe in vaccination, and that, together with scare tactics from the Opposition, is why we had such a severe outbreak last year." Oma D'unn (Remember him? Like a moon, bright only in the dark) whispered something in Fenky Fenky's ear. "Mr Speaker," he continued, 'I've just been informed that persons are conspiring to embarrass the PNP by withholding the necessary research to provide a vaccine. And junior doctors are spreading malicious rumours that hospitals have no syringes with which to administer it. I pray I catch chik-V so I can show everybody how to go to Florida for treatment."

BREAKING NEWS: A joint bill proposed by Justice Minister Marking Gold, Attorney General P. Trick Kinteet and Electoral Affairs Minister P. Yap Pall sought to make illegal any appeal from any Supreme Court decision which embarrasses Andrue Pollmess. They argued to thunderous banging of desks that such an appeal could never be in the national interest.

 

Oma's explanation

 

Afterwards, intrepid NNN news hound Fritz Kebab interviewed Oma and asked how come so many unsuitable persons got into Parliament. Oma told him the true story of the Irish Sunday school teacher who decided to test her students' understanding of the concept of getting to heaven. Oma said:

"She asked them, 'If I sold my house and car, had a big garage sale and gave the money to the Church, would that get me into heaven?'

The children answered 'NO!'

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, a resounding "NO!"

'If I gave all children sweets and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered "NO!"

Bursting with pride. She continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A pause pregnant with possibilities followed, then one little boy shouted out: 'YU'V GOTTA BE FO*KN' DEAD.'"

Apocryphan Parliament, Oma concluded, is like Irish Heaven. You've got to be brain dead.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.