Thu | Jan 24, 2019

The beer essentials

Published:Tuesday | March 17, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Sitting to my right one Saturday afternoon, the Beast produced double-six; Gene Autry contributed six-four.

After a brief pause and the obligatory "If a macca, mek it jook yu ..." the Dunce played four-five. My only play was six-five. I also held double-four; double-three; double-deuce; three-deuce; ace-blank and double-blank. How should I play the six-five? Why? No peeking now.

Suddenly, Haemorrhoid appeared. Regular readers remember Ernest H. Flower, a lazy articled clerk whose nickname combined his middle initial and his frequent complaint about "piles and piles" of files on his desk. Haemorrhoid was unable to distinguish a domino from a candy bar but, as a world-class raconteur famous for funny shaggy dog tales, he was always welcome at our games.

Haemorrhoid seemed out of breath and troubled. He insisted we listen to a very important warning before going out that night. We listened keenly as he read from what he said was a Government press release:

"Police are warning all men frequenting clubs, parties or local bars to be alert and cautious when offered drinks by any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called 'Beer' is being used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

"The drug, generally found in liquid form, is available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. 'Beer' is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade male victims to go home and have sex with them.

"Typically, a woman would persuade a guy to consume 'Beer' and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several 'Beers', men often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on women, regardless of the level of unattractiveness.

"Victims have reported waking with only hazy memories of the night before. At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a popular scam known as 'a relationship'. It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap her unsuspecting prey into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment called 'marriage'.

"Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after 'Beer' is administered.

"If you fall victim to this insidious 'Beer' and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups at various venues where you can discuss details of your traumatic encounter with similarly affected, like-minded sufferers. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Race Tracks' or 'Golf Courses' in the yellow pages."


Great joke


A sloppy 'Gotcha' grin overtook Haemorrhoid's countenance as he took his kibitzer's seat. We should've known it was a 'psyche'. I remembered that story on March 2, when The Old Ball and Chain celebrated her 33rd wedding anniversary. It's official. Despite propaganda efforts by pseudo-observers, we're still here.

"Just let them talk

if they want to.

Talk don't bother me.

I'm gonna keep on till the whole wide world knows,

that I really love you, I really love you so."

Sitting down to what turned out to be a delightful anniversary dinner at one of our favourite spots, Terra Nova's Regency Room, I was about to ask for an ice cold Red Stripe Beer (NOT Red Stripe Lite; NOT Red Stripe Bold; Red Stripe COLD) when Haemorrhoid's visage flashed before me and, not wanting to tempt fate, I asked for the wine list instead.

"They say that gossip comes from the devil's workshop,

and only true love can make it stop

I'm gonna keep on, I'm gonna keep on loving you

till the day that I die."

Sonny Thompson's ode to undying love, recorded by stars like Roberta Flack, Old B.C's favourite, Harry Connick Jnr and (believe it or not by Ripley) Hugh Lawrie proves love is the antidote for verbal or violent vitriol. Insecure underlings may be willing to sell their integrity for the illusion of a regular pay cheque by ingesting and regurgitating venom, but love repels all evil.

The correct play is two sixes. It seems both numbers 'belong' to opponents, but double-six is already played. So, the odds of Autry passing are lower if the Beast is forced to cut six. Since my hand is useless, Autry must be kept in the game at all costs. Also, the Dunce tipped me off by his pause and vocal shrug that he either holds double-five without protection or used his only four rather than cutting the pose. Chances are Autry would reintroduce fours and cause the Dunce recurring nightmares.

Peace and Love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to