Sat | Aug 19, 2017

An unusual film festival

Published:Tuesday | May 19, 2015 | 5:00 AMGordon Robinson

In that fantasyland called Apocrypha, the nation was all agog at the upcoming film festival.

Anticipation surrounding the final day was particularly high, as movies starring prominent Apocryphan politicians were scheduled. The most anticipated movie was Fifty Shades of Bray, starring PM PoorShe Simple-Muller. It was billed as a movie about a girl from humble beginnings who talks, talks, talks about love.

"It's hard to build a better nation with different races

when every day you awoke there are newly faces.

No godly love, but there is always a daily grace

and nothing could erase from each night's horrible traces

Yet they talk about love, they talk about love

They talk about love, love, love, sweet love ... "

In the movie, PoorShe is interviewed by young journalism school student, LaShawn Tomcat, who finds herself drawn to PoorShe, now hugely successful but tormented by the demons of people she trod upon on her way up. Eventually, PoorShe allows LaShawn to pull her hair.

Oma D'unn also had a starring role in a film called Fast and Spurious (fill in a number) about bus drivers competing in regular drag races on Apocryphan streets. When the participants escalate matters until they race with paying passengers aboard, things go downhill fast. Keanu Reeves guest stars.

"We've travelled on camels; travelled on trains;

travelled on horseback; travelled on planes;

but listen now what happened to us

when we took a Jamaican minibus.

We arrive at the bus stop with our $10 fare

and see a minibus waiting there.

It's full already, so we jump on fast

hoping to leave before 3 was passed.

Everyone stares when we get on

wondering what is going on.

It's not a sight they've seen too much:

two white girls pon a minibus.

Chorus: What an experience this is for us a trip into Kingston on a minibus It's a little too adventurous for two white girls pon a minibus.

RESIGNATION LETTERS

Andrue Pollmess stars in The Fudge, as a son who signs his father's name to resignation letters implicating Dad in motor manslaughter, and then gets his bright young lawyer brother to appeal a court decision that the letters were null and void. Robert Duvall and Robert Downey Jr co-star as the father and brother in another film with madcap road rage scenes.

We drive into the hills.

Every curve is another thrill.

Our driver is going at such a pace

like he's training for the 500 race.

We try to tell him 'Please, slow down.

We're not going to Heaven, we're going to town.'

But he doesn't hear our frantic shout.

The music he's playing is so blasted loud.

(Chorus)

R.U. Shaw was a leading actor in the movie Man of the Mouse as an undercover operator protecting a bevy of beautiful, blonde, paleface cheerleaders against being led into immorality by a political boss and his sham pastor. The political boss pretends to be penitent one Sunday at the pastor's church but tricks R.U.; escapes into hiding; and sends snipers to pick off R.U.'s busload of paleface cheerleaders one by one. Curtis Armstrong and Cedric the Entertainer have supporting roles. Sharon (Stone) plays a sniper.

We can't understand a thing being said

'What's rub-a-dub style?' we say to the Dread.

The whole bus is laughing as though it's a joke;

it doesn't take much to crack up these folks.

'One stop, Driva,' said a man from the back

so the whole damn bus had to stop and unpack.

This happened four times before we were done:

The movement of many to let off the ne"

The movie Project Orangelight starred Apocryphan Commerce Minister Toenail Li'ltong about a man who announced huge, never-to-be-implemented projects but whose announcements sold plenty orange T-shirts.

The festival closed with the popular MAD MAX FIX DE ROAD starring Brown Angel (a Councillor/DJ) as Maxine, capital city Mayor whose nation was to be visited by the USA president. Pursuing her task to ensure good roads and no hassle, she evicted traditional crab vendors from usual haunts. Asked why, she replied, "We can't mek de President get crabs in Apocrypha!"

Talk About Love was recorded in 1972 by former Techniques lead singer Pat Kelly, known as 'Jamaica's Sam Cooke' for his silky, smooth vocals.

Caucasian female duo The Word recorded a humorous description of their experience travelling on a minibus (Two white girls 'pon a minibus) in the 1980s on the Grove Music label (Ocho Rios). The history of this one-hit wonder remains a mystery.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.