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Dancing on the ceiling

Published:Saturday | May 30, 2015 | 12:00 AMTony Deyal, Contributor

We often hear that the female of the species is deadlier than the male. Instead of reaching for a cigarette or some other herbal relaxant, female tarantulas devour and eat their male sex partners, a case of having dinner after rather than before.

While this is a joke, some of my male friends believe that it typifies the extreme determination typical of women, a trait that is extremely well-developed and applied in most situations that require true bloodthirstiness.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man took the gun, went into the room and after five minutes returned crying. "I tried, but I can't do it," he blubbered.

Then it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions and the gun. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

Beating up Abe

 

In this sense, some celebrities were lucky to remain alive. Abraham Lincoln, for instance. According to Michael Burlingame, a history professor at Connecticut College and the author of The Inner World of Abraham Lincoln, Mary Todd used to beat the hell out of Abe Lincoln. Apparently, one time, Abe didn't put enough wood on a fire, so Mary Todd hit him with a log. Another time, Abe didn't buy the right kind of meat for breakfast, so Mary Todd smacked him in the face and drew blood.

Bobby Brown was accused of hitting Whitney Houston, but in an interview with The Associated Press, Whitney said, "Contrary to belief, I do the hitting, he doesn't. He has never put his hands on me."

There are many women who would love to put their hands on Brown to complete what Whitney started. Movie tough guy Humphrey Bogart was stabbed in the back by his third wife, Mayo Mathot.

Christian Slater's wife threw a glass at him in a Hard Rock Cafe. It shattered on his neck and needed 20 stitches. It is not true she said she wished that the Hard Rock cafe had really hard rocks. It is said that Hillary Clinton made up for the public loss of face by scratching Bill Clinton's after a visit to the White House by Barbara Streisand of Funny Face fame. Lionel Richie's wife, Brenda Harvey, ended up being charged for spousal abuse. Seems he was dancing on the ceiling with another woman.

The one that really hit me was a recent case in Arizona where a woman got three and a half years in prison for running over her husband with the family car because he failed to vote in the 2012 presidential election.

Holly Nicole Solomon, 31, pleaded guilty in April to two counts of aggravated assault under a plea agreement with prosecutors over an incident at a parking lot in Gilbert, a south-eastern suburb of Phoenix. Police said Solomon was upset with her husband, Daniel Solomon, in the days following the November 6 re-election of US President Barack Obama and believed the family would face hardship from his winning another term in office.

 

Fractured pelvis

 

The 36-year-old man suffered a fractured pelvis from being run over following a wild chase on November 10, 2012, that left him pinned beneath his wife's Jeep. Police said witnesses told them the couple was arguing in the parking lot before the fight began to escalate. Solomon then chased her husband around the lot with the car, yelling at him as he tried to hide behind a utility pole, police said. He was ultimately struck as he attempted to flee. Many people thought the man was lucky that the incident took place in Phoenix. It could have well been Tombstone.

It could soon be repeated in Trinidad and Tobago, where the election silly season has started and already the household temperatures have risen as some husbands and wives do not agree on which party would be best for the country. I plan, in a later column, just in case, to provide tips on how to disable cars. You can never be too careful, especially if you have a cougar.

Of course, not every man takes it lying down. Some do stand up for their rights like this married man who left work early one Friday afternoon and, instead of going home, squandered the weekend and his salary partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of abuse from his wife. After a couple of hours of shouting and threatening, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

"That would suit me just fine!!!" the man, wrong, strong and loud, shouted. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye!

-Tony Deyal was last seen saying that despite his wife's objections, he bought a boat and tried to placate her by telling her she could name the boat. She named it 'FOR SALE'.