Sat | May 27, 2017

North Street power cut

Published:Tuesday | August 11, 2015 | 8:00 AMGordon Robinson, Contributor

Last Wednesday, fantasyland Apocrypha's Naughty News Network (NNN) was all cranked up as roving reporter Fritz Kebab announced a massive power cut on North Street, one of tiny Apocrypha's five streets.

Apparently, systems were overloaded because of what's being dubbed the 'Wedding of the Millennium'. Fritz began:

"BREAKING NEWS: In what many describe as the 'Wedding of the Millennium', Radio Jamwreck and Reddyreddy (RJR) walked down the aisle to be married to Cleaner Meddle Entities (The Cleaner). Shock waves rocked Apocryphan Meddling circles as a result of this gigantic union.

Down the aisle I'll walk with you

just to hear the words 'I do'.

All of my life I want to be

good and sweet till eternity.

Fritz continued:

"BREAKING NEWS: Sources at the wedding told NNN that when Reverend Booklist Boring announced 'Anyone with cause why these two shouldn't be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace', Powerless 106 leapt to its feet exclaiming, 'Wha' a go 'appen to we?' while staffers of both proposed spouses clutched their privates in compliance with the perceived threat to their futures.

I do thee wed this day.

With this ring we go our way.

For better or worse, I take thee wed.

By your hand I will be led.

There was more from NNN:

"BREAKING NEWS: Apparently, the wedding resulted in a widespread power cut on North Street. In a fascinating Game of Titles, aka musical letters, chairmen became deputy chairmen and CEOs turned into COOs. New Head of Household, Lesstare Sprawling, told this reporter, 'We run t'ings now! We a de gorgon. Dem haffe pay dowry to married to we!'

Through the years we'll live in bliss.

Life will be full of happiness.

Oh chimes from the church bells will ring

with each hour they'll be rippling.

NNN immediately convened a panel discussion. Saint Shirley was distressed yet triumphant: 'See? Toldja gays taking over. I never thought I'd see two man married in Apocrypha. Fire and brimstone 'pon dem! Abomination!'

Cordless Orange from the Apocryphan Meddling Commission was apoplectic: 'How come me neva know 'bout dis?' he spluttered 'Smaddy shoulda tell me. What's going on? Who get married? Where am I?'

Economist Dam I Am King was more circumspect. 'If you believe RJR win this deal, I've some Venezuelan debt to sell you at half price,' he chortled. 'Ask yourself which bruk Meddling house acquired which struggling Cleaner companies. Rubbish x Rubbish = Rubbish squared. Who still control Cleaner's real estate? RJR win de Game of Titles, but smaddy else win de Game of Thrones?'

Panellists New Jams and Morris Minor were inconsolable: "We lose power," they wailed in unison. "Not even de likkle 1% listenership we a go keep. We haffe look wuk but no wuk nah dideh inna Meddling anymore. Lawd a massy!'

Something old; something new;

something borrowed; something blue.

I am yours to cherish and behold

with this little band of gold.

 

RJR feeding frenzy

There are marriages of convenience, marriages for money, and, of course, marriages for love. Guess which this is?

Finally, Fritz interviewed Oma D'unn, Apocrypha's former finance minister whose proudest possession was his PhD in logic. Regular readers remember Oma, who, like a moon, is bright only in the dark, but a creative solver of political problems by parable.

Fritz asked Oma: "RJR seems on a feeding frenzy. First Apocrypha's national radio/TV stations, now the Cleaner. What next? The wedding was spectacular. Will the marriage last?" Oma replied, "If RJR doesn't buy any restaurants." Fritz was confused, so Oma told him the story of Olly, the lucky customer.

"Olly walked into a restaurant and ordered a beer from the bar.

The bartender said, 'That'll be one cent, sir.'

'One cent?' Olly exclaimed. 'OK. How much for a steak and a bottle of wine?'

'Five cents,' the barman replied.

'What?' Olly was perplexed. 'Where's the owner of this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here,' the bartender replied."

Patti LaBelle and the Bluebells recorded Down The Aisle in 1963. It launched a stellar career by incomparable songstress Patti LaBelle, whose amazing vocals were highlighted on the song especially when, near to the end, she hit and perfectly held a note never equalled since. On that note, she reached whistle register, the highest of which human voice is capable. Over 50 years later, Patti's technique remains the best of the best.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.