Sun | Apr 30, 2017

Hot gyal party can't cock it up

Published:Saturday | August 22, 2015 | 8:00 AMAllan Douglas
Lisa Hanna could lead a hottie-filled political party that could give watchers a lift.
Everald Warmington ... worthy leader of a new political party?
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Our country is truly going through a difficult period, not only with the escalating crime and violence but also with the conduct of some of our leaders and the state of both political parties. It is all very distressing and dampens the little hope we were beginning to have for the future of Jamaica with what appear to be some positive signs for our economy.

In one week, we had the disappointment of seeing Joan Gordon-Webley's application for membership in the PNP rejected, the crass and boorish behaviour of Everald Warmington, a JLP member of parliament (MP), and the equally boorish behaviour of Sgt Raymond Wilson, chairman of the Police Federation. Then, of course, came the rantings of Dr Dayton Campbell, a PNP MP, against his colleague and minister of government, Lisa Hanna.

 

more demanding issues

 

What do we make of all of this and what needs to be done? As a teetotaller, taking to the bottle is clearly out of the question. Well, I suppose prayer is still a possibility, but our Lord, I imagine, has far more demanding matters than dealing with leaders who refuse to grow up and have a penchant for misbehaving. What are we left with then?

Then it suddenly sprung to mind: We should do what our former colonial masters, the British, are so good at doing in difficult times - having a laugh at serious situations and, more important, ourselves. I have, therefore, come up with this cheerful thought. Let us scrap both political parties and start over again!

We should have one party made up of pretty women with brains, to be known as the Pretty Women With Brains Party (PWBP). Lisa Hanna could head that party and other members would include mesdames Malahoo-Forte, Gordon-Webley, Emily Shields, and Pamela Monroe- Ellis, to name a few. Members of this party need not have any political skills and it would be advantageous if they didn't.

The party slogan would be 'We can't cock it up!' and its symbol would be a head with a crown.

At election time, the PWBP would air its video, with the lead role being taken by Lisa Hanna dressed in her bikini without a draped towel. The setting, Hellshire Beach, and on the sand in the background the other members of her party would be on display, dressed likewise. To the strains of Beyonce's Irreplaceable, Hanna would then address her audience.

With a broad, bewitching and seductive smile she would say, "Hi, fellow Jamaicans! Ever feeling run-down, tired and depressed? You need not anymore. The PWBP is here to give you that lift. If you don't like what we do or say, you can always just look at our pictures and wonder what we could do for you. Vote PWBP!"

The other party would naturally be headed by Everald Warmington, with other members, including Dr Dayton Campbell, Damion Crawford and Sgt Raymond Wilson, to name just a few of those stalwarts of Jamaican manhood. The party would be known as the Brawn Bores Party (BBP). The party slogan would be "We are not the butt of every joke," and the rallying cry would be 'Bloody'. The party symbol would be a raised middle finger and a blue pill being held between the thumb and forefinger. Of course, just to have a leg up on the PWBP, Donald Trump would be invited to be an honorary member.

At election time, the BBP would show film clips of its leader, depicting his outstanding courage for twice standing up to journalists armed with cameras. On one occasion, this leader, despite being impaired and heavily drugged and in pain, was nevertheless able to give them a good cussing out.

On the other occasion, he simply showed his party symbol, which had the marauding journalists beating a hasty retreat, while he calmly mumbled under his breath, 'Who sey the pen mightier than mi tongue and finger! Nu draw mi tongue; you see wha it done do to mi neck already! (Expletive blocked by Broadcast Commission) Cho!" All this would be done to Snoop Dogs' Drop It Like It's Hot!

PS Allan Douglas was last seen entering the Holy Rosary Chapel confessional booth

- Allan Douglas is a retired JDF colonel. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and alldouglas@aol.com.