Tue | Dec 12, 2017

Bible tales from the crypt

Published:Monday | September 14, 2015 | 12:15 AMMichael Abrahams

Last week, my article titled ‘The God of the Bible is not merciful’ riled up Christians islandwide and across the diaspora. Members of the flock penned letters to the editor accusing me of exhibiting “low-level thinking”, quoting “void of context”, showing “no regard for, or knowledge of, the dialectical approach and treatment of the issue he attempts to interfere with” and being “denigrating more so against Christians and Christianity”.  The fire and brimstone continued to rain in social media, where I was told that my “head is tough” and that I am a theological “dunce” and “ignoramus”. Their hermeneutical rantings tempted me to tell them about their wrath (I have a lisp), but I yielded not to temptation, and decided to read the Bible even more avidly, and sharpen my Bible storytelling skills. So this week, I will share three of my favourite Bible stories with you.  

SOME KIDS TEASE A PROPHET, AND BOY DO THEY GET IT (2 Kings 2)  

Elijah was an awesome prophet and wonder worker in Israel. When he retired, he did so in style, travelling to Heaven in a brand new ride. The vehicle was not just a chariot, but a ‘chariot of fire’, fully loaded, with ‘horses of fire’ to boot.  When he departed, his ‘prentice’ Elisha took over the wonder-working prophet business. One day, while he was on his merry way to Bethel, he encountered a group of youngsters. These youth were not well-behaved, but were of the leggo beast type, and proceeded to jeer Elisha, saying, “Go up, thou bald head, go up, thou bald head.”  This really pissed off Elisha, probably because he was repeatedly being told to ‘go up’ (men hate that kind of pressure), and he decided to teach the little jerks a lesson. So he called for back-up, cursing the children in the name of God. God, of course, never fails, and two bears came and mauled the living daylights out of 42 of the little buggers. It is unclear why so many children were gathered there at the time, and why they didn’t all run like hell after the first two kids were torn to pieces. Maybe they were under the influence of high-grade weed. Anyway, they got what was coming to them. How merciful of the Lord.

LOT AND HIS SODOMITE DAUGHTERS (Genesis 19)  

Sodom and Gomorrah were two freaky cities. There was a man named Lot living in Sodom who one night decided to give shelter to two male angels. These dudes must have been very hot and sexy, because all the men in the city turned up at Lot’s house, expressing their desire to have sex with them. Lot refused to allow it, but offered his virgin daughters to the men instead, immediately making himself ineligible for the Father of the Year award.  Anyway, the angels told Lot to flee the city with his wife and daughters because God was going to destroy it, and told them not to look back. They ran, and God burnt down the place, but Lot’s wife looked back, and ‘poof’, she turned into a pillar of salt, apparently a new trick that the Lord had been working on.  Lot and his daughters then moved into a cave in a new neighbourhood. Apparently, one could get a cave for a good price back in the day, and there were certain advantages associated with cave-dwelling, including having an excellent view (of stalagmites and stalactites) and access to free guano to use as manure for the flowers in the frontyard.   Unfortunately, despite the acquisition of new real estate, Lot was not getting any action. With the solid salinification of his wife, any attempt at sexual activity could make her crumble, or cause him to ingest unhealthy amounts of salt (if you know what I mean). Plus, she was dead. His daughters had other ideas though.  Wanting children and having no men, with their dutty Sodomite mentalities, they did a Bill Cosby on their father, giving him wine and then raping him. They conceived and each had a son. So in one fell swoop, Lot went from having two children to having four children and two grandchildren, his family tree bearing some rather interesting fruit. Drunkenness. Rape. Incest. What did God do about this slackness? Nothing.  

A KING SEES A NAKED WOMAN, GETS HORNY, AND GETS BUSY (2 Samuel 11-12)

  David was a powerful king. One day, he saw a soldier’s wife bathing, got horny, sent for her and, like, totally had sex with her. When the pregnancy test came back positive, he sent the woman’s husband home, hoping that he would have sex with her too, and not realise that the upcoming baby would be a jacket. But the soldier did not go home, so David, being the piece of crap that he was, arranged for him to be put on the front line in battle and get killed.  God did not like this one bit, especially after adultery, murder, and coveting your neighbour’s wife were mentioned in his top 10 list of no-nos and all. So, to punish David, and make him hurt really badly, God came up with a brilliant idea: He would make the baby sick and suffer for one week and then die.  You’ve gotta hand it to God. What better way to get to people than to kill their children? It is an effective method used by criminal gangs and drug cartels to this day. Yes, God is good - all the time.   So there you have it. Three of my favourite Bible stories. For those who are interested, I am available to teach Sunday and Sabbath school classes. For more information, pray and ask the Lord for it. Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet.

Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.