Apply within: Rent a Gent
There are 100 days to Christmas!
I can't contain my excitement. I know some reading this article now want to punch out my pepper lights and are saying, "It's barely September; way too early for Christmas talk." But in truth, it really isn't.
Already, it's too late for you to soak your fruits; they'll never be ready in time. Corporate entities have already compiled their Christmas lists and have placed their gift orders. I've already made my Christmas dinner menu, and I know what I'm getting my family and friends as presents. And I've already bought my first ham. I am Christmas ready, save and except for one thing.
I believe that if you're single on the 25th of September, all is lost for the rest of that year. The relationship pool goes into hibernation until February 15 of the next year when, once again, singles resurface, safe from obligatory gift giving.
I sat recently with a bunch of women, all in their mid-30s - educated, good-looking, light-hearted and as single as the number one. The fast-approaching September 25 deadline was of concern to most of us. We all agreed that single at Christmas was not fun, and much worse was single at New Year's.
We got to talking about single life, and the story-swapping was therapeutic and downright hilarious.
Some women go to great lengths to meet men before September 25 - Christian Mingle, hanging out at odd places like car washes and sporting events by themselves. The supermarket science I found funniest. One girl went to the supermarket three times a week looking out for guys shopping with a handbasket rather than a trolley. It made sense. A man living the bachelor life only needs bread and orange juice to survive. This was her sure-fire way to spot the potentials.
Another friend confessed to regressing to the near-defunct social media site Hi5 in the hopes of picking up the one single guy left there.
Hearing about the collective exploits to land a man sparked my entrepreneurial mind. Two solution-driven girlfriends and I want to start a company called 'Rent a Gent'. For a fee, you could rent a modern-day male geisha of sorts. He'd come over and open jars and lift furniture and have stimulating conversation with you. For an extra fee, he would also cuddle and buy you a thoughtful Christmas present. Sounds laughable, but with all the single women in Jamaica earning good money, it just may be the thing that makes us rich.
After I laughed, it really was slightly worrying. Why were there so many single girls my age waiting for the same scarce resources? Are we just too picky? Have we 'priced' ourselves out of the market, having got all these fancy degrees and big jobs and overachieving and outperforming the men? Were we all going to be single next September 25?
At the risk of The Gleaner terminating my contract on grounds of turning their publication into match.com, here goes. Since relationships are serious business, I've decided to approach the recruitment process as I would any other position I'm seeking to fill.
On behalf of all my single lady friends (and myself), hear ye! Hear ye!
Now accepting applications for the position of significant other. Multiple positions available. The ideal candidates must have at least five years' prior experience in a similar position and must demonstrate sound knowledge of female wooing, the art of spontaneity, logical thinking and budget management. Must be proficient in humour and kindness. Qualified prospects should submit applications along with two female references no later than September 20, 2015, to the undersigned email address. Only suitable candidates will be contacted.