Sat | Oct 21, 2017

Gordon Robinson: The essence of illusion

Published:Tuesday | December 8, 2015 | 12:00 AM

It was a big day in Fantasyland, Apocrypha, where unrealities appear real and Oma D'unn uses his PhD in logic to solve political problems by parable.

With elections imminent, a public health-care debate was organised between the governing Promoting National Poverty (PNP) and Opposition Just Lazy People (JLP). The PNP's debate team included new Health Minister Dilly-Dalley; former Minister Fenky-Fenky; and technocrat Maybelean Bollocks-Casscass. The JLP was represented by health spokespersons, Mahlinga Malaprop and Julie Cussbert.

Opening statements were delivered:

FF: Everybody should recognise the strides Government has made in public health care. Forget minutiae like uncontrolled chik-V epidemics and unreported bacterial infection outbreaks. This Government criminalised public cigarette smoking and decriminalised ganja smoking. That's prioritising!

MBC: Nothing was reported to me. Why am I here? My name don't spell S-C A-P-E-G-O-A-T. Me nah tek no blame.

MM: Wha' dis? I'm an important person, but nobody tell me weed legal. I needed some inna mi handbag the other day. Why we neva use it to Aleve Chik-V pain? Also, I notice chik-V affeck women worse dan men. Fenky-Fenky neva even get it.

JC: Man, move yu *#@%&. Chik-V mash up mi business and weed stink it up. Why yu don't stop mek doctors wear *#@%& scandal bags!

FF: Dilly-Dalley is minister now. Ask him.

This resulted in journalists bursting into song (to the tune of Hello Dolly, with apologies to Jerry Herman/Louis Armstrong):

Hello, Dalley.

This is PoorShe, Dalley.

It's so nice to have you back where you belong.

Your head mus' swell, Dalley

I can tell, Dalley

You're still crowin'

You're still blowin'

your own trumpet strong.

Naughty News Network's Fritz Kebab began the questioning:

FK: Which of you is minister in the real sense?

FF: Yu rude! Don't ask me that question. Ask him.

FK: De odder day, in Parliament, when Boobsy was asking questions, Fenky-Fenky never tek a single note. Him sit dere like a bump on a log den forget de questions. Is that a minister? Which is de real minister?

FF: He was minister; den I was minister; now he is minister.

FK: Sounds like musical ministers!

Journalists: I feel the room swayin'

While govament playin'

their favourite switch minister game from way back when

So, take a nap, fellas

Find him a health laptop, fellas

Dalley won't go away again!

FK: But all Dilly-Dalley do is fire boards. How dat help?

DD: Golly, gee, fellas

Have a little faith in me, fellas

Dalley won't go away again!"

Debate chairperson, Apocryphan Information Minister, Sanandrea Faultner, rescued Dilly-Dalley by wrestling the microphone from Fritz.

SAF: Who'll ask why Opposition abolish user fees and put us inna dis preckeh? Lamebrain Brawn from Chat Radio?

LB: Miss Malaprop, why yu sey you was inna de bathroom when I know is de lunchroom yu did deh?

MM: Kiss mi neck! Not you [as Lamebrain leaned closer]. Yu know nutten. You weren't wid me and never will be. Dead babies!

LB: I'm only trying for reconciliation (LIAR). I want peace (TISSUE OF LIES). I hope you'll vote with my side (WICKED TO WORKERS). What yu mean "never will be'? Gwey, yu yeye shine but yu weave tangle! Yu is bere trouble.

MM: You're disraspectful! I'm an important person. Dead babies!

JC: Sound like him have *#@%& Tourette Syndrome.

MM: DEAD BABIES!

JC: DEAD *#@%& BABIES!

Julie/Mahlinga felt outfoxed and so asked Oma how best to expose PNP illusion. Oma advised they study pathology and told them the story of the Autopsy Professor's introductory lecture:

"Standing over a corpse, Professor addressed the class:

'You'll need two things for a successful career in forensic medicine. First, you must have no fear.'

Immediately, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same.' After some uneasy silence, the class followed suit.

'Second,' Professor continued, 'you must have an acute ability to observe. For instance, how many of you noticed I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'"

Oma explained: "Proper debate postmortem would expose PNP's three-card trick of simply substituting new political hacks on boards for old without spending a dollar more improving health care."

Instead of dogmatically pursuing 'dead babies' sound bites, Julie/Mahlinga could've asked Dilly-Dally "What next? Fire doctors?"

Songwriters' Hall of Fame inductee Jerry Herman is a seminal writer of Broadway musical scores. His Hello Dolly (Broadway play's title song) became a 1964 pop hit for legendary trumpeter, Louis Armstrong, displacing the Beatles from #1.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.