Thu | Aug 17, 2017

Gordon Robinson: ‘Tis the season

Published:Tuesday | December 15, 2015 | 12:00 AM

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Customers of every public service and subscribers to some private services are receiving 'extras' in their deliveries. Christmas greetings in the form of small brown envelopes marked 'Merry Christmas from your (fill in the blank)' have been piling up on kitchen ledges islandwide. It warms the cockles of my heart to see how thoughtful these paragons of quality service year in, year out, are of us. After all, we only fund the government agencies or our subscriptions sustain the publications employing them.

What a beautiful way to say 'thank you' to perennial supporters making their jobs possible. Mark you, when I open these brown envelopes, there's nothing inside, not even a card, but I understand. Everybody is feeling the IMF pinch nowadays. It's the thought that counts.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Suddenly, our roads are jam-packed with police 'random spot checks'. It appears my profile becomes of greater interest during this season, as I find myself randomly checked more often than usual by these tireless public servants going above and beyond the call of duty to ensure my safety.

Lifting my spirits

I get a warm, fuzzy feeling as I watch these protectors of our security swiftly (very swiftly) check my papers. Some are so thoughtful they insist on also lifting my spirits with a joke or two: "Bwoy, yu know how long mi out here inna de hot sun? Yu have anyt'ing for me?" Or my personal favourite, "Is that my drink of Johnny Walker Black I see on your back seat?"

I mean, these guys are hilarious. They think of everything to make citizens feel comfortable. I always drive off with a chuckle, no matter how depressed I might've been feeling before I was stopped.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Radio has been playing Christmas 'carols' for more than a month. We're inundated with crooners dreaming of 'White' Christmases; and angels singing the first Noel (aka 'Christmas' or 'news'), which further embellishes the fairy tale force-fed us by English slavers that White SuperBaby was born on December 25. An added chapter has angels bringing news of his birth to shepherds. Sigh.

TV isn't far behind. We're immersed in movies featuring fat white men with long white beards exclaiming, "Ho! Ho! Ho!", and parents instructing child actors of all sizes, shapes and genders to sit on these strange men's laps. Children are encouraged to whisper in their ears, thus drawing near enough to get a whiff of the true Christmas spirit that suggests Santa, instead of a jolly "Ho! Ho! Ho!", ought to be accessorising with an eye patch, answering to 'Jolly Roger'; and exclaiming, "Yo! Ho! Ho! and a bottle of rum!'

I'm overjoyed our children (oops, sorry, I'm told Jamaica's new colonial Masters insist 'kids' be formally incorporated as Jamaican AND politically correct) now have opportunities of being 'touched' by our Masters' version of how Jesus and Santa's roles overlap on December 25. On that day, Jesus, the Prince of Peace and Love, will celebrate his 2015th birthday quietly in the company of thousands of his best friends (Christians), while Santa will cover the world in a magic sleigh drawn by flying reindeer to drop off toys to all 'good' boys and girls.

Fill our stockings

These are exactly the sort of mixed messages we need our children (sorry, I meant 'kids') to receive as early as possible in their earthly existence so they can get a head start on the complicated, heterogeneous world into which they've been cast. I'm so excited!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Vendors of all sorts, merchants hawking every imaginable item, are stocking up so we can fill our stockings with variegated goodies. In the spirit of Christmas cheer, vendors/merchants are also going the extra mile for us, smuggling goods through Customs without paying taxes, or evading Customs altogether in order to reduce costs and maximise profits. What a holy time this is! Everybody knows it's more blessed to give than receive, so vendors/merchants are facilitating our ability to give, give, give this Christmas.

We get to give to vendors/merchants by buying overpriced luxury items. Then we get to give these items to select loved ones wrapped in the prettiest paper. This is the true meaning of Christmas and we should thank those unsung heroes, the vendors and merchants, for affording us the opportunity to experience such a thrill.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Everywhere you go!

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.