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Michael Abrahams: ‘Tis the season to be folly

Published:Monday | December 21, 2015 | 12:23 AMMichael Abrahams

Ladies and gentlemen, we are officially in the season. No, not Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, but the political silly season, and boy is the silliness in full swing.
We really need to change our constitution, as our prime minister is apparently waiting on God to tell her when to call the next election. At a mass rally in St Catherine, she told supporters that they will be informed “when my Master touches me and says, 'My daughter, go now.'"
Our politicians love to use the God card to manipulate the masses, but when they do certain things, such as award contracts to shady characters, God is nowhere to be found. Either that or the skins of these politicians are so heavily infiltrated with high doses of potent local anaesthetics at such times that they would not even feel it if the Lord gave them a bitch lick.
It is also interesting to note that while Portia waits on the Lord’s heavenly touch, He totally blew her off and had His hands all over Lady Saw, telling her to stop the slackness and follow Him. It is unclear if she had her heels on at the time, or if she was under the sycamore tree, but the encounter was apparently brief, as Father God “nuh inna no long talking”. So Saw’s meat-stabbing days are apparently over (at least for now).
Then there is Central Westmoreland Member of Parliament Dwayne Vaz. At a People’s National Party (PNP) meeting in Montego Bay, in response to news that the office of the city’s deputy mayor was destroyed by fire, Vaz called for the Vybz Kartel song ‘Wah Dem Feel Like’, and changed the lyrics from “Grants Pen, roll out the bike and car dem”, to “MoBay, roll out di gu …”, with many interpreting the lyrics as a call for guns to be brought into play. The song was clearly an inappropriate choice to be introduced on a party platform.
The Jamaica Labour Party (JLP) was quick to comment, and lodged a formal complaint with the political ombudsman. What I found interesting, however, was seeing Daryl Vaz on a political platform condemning the other Vaz, as Daryl is not exactly the Mother Teresa of the JLP. In December 2007, he ended up in court after being charged for allegedly using expletives to Deputy Superintendent of Police Cornel Messam during a political meeting.
Then, in 2010, while he was minister of information, acting managing director of the Sunday Herald, Christine King, accused him of verbally assaulting her during an expletive-laden tirade. He initially refuted the allegations, but later apologised to Ms King. Vaz is, apparently, an ardent supporter of the Jamaican textile and fabric industry.
And speaking of textiles and fabrics, the PNP’s Damion Crawford and Angela Brown Burke saw it fit to not just wash, but to also rinse, dry and iron their ‘dutty’ linen in full public view. It all started when Crawford, during a visit to St Vincent, took to his Facebook page and posted "Thank God Angela Brown Burke's punishment never extended to St Vincent; up here nice.” Then it was on like Donkey Kong, or rather Candy Crush Saga. Or, better yet, ‘Orange Crush Saga’, as the two Comrades dealt crushing blows to each other. It was so bad that Kern Spencer had to tell them to behave. Yes. Kern Spencer. The bulb guy. A man whose name is associated with more question marks than a ‘Tell Me Why’ book. Go figure.
In addition to providing us with a good tracing match, the PNP has also redefined the way elections are run. Usually, in an election, the person with the most votes wins. Right? Wrong! Andrea Moore got more votes than Dr Lynvale Bloomfield in East Portland, but he ‘won’. Then, in East Rural St Andrew, Peter Blake got more votes than Damion Crawford, won, and was then replaced with Imani Duncan Price. So, the question is, if the PNP gets more votes than the JLP in the next election, and the JLP is declared the winner, will Comrades complain?
And, speaking of complaints, JLP leader Andrew Holness has come under fire from the PNP for his mansion. It really is huge. I suspect that it might have its own area code. The property is a constituency all unto itself: Beverly Hills Central. He is apparently constructing his own garrison. Even the wall is a source of contention, but Donald Trump loves it, and if he becomes the next president of the United States of America, he’d like to purchase it for the USA-Mexico border.
Meanwhile, on the campaign trail, Holness remarked "Well, you know we a nuh fish around here." The remark was thought by some to be a barb directed at homosexuals, but the defence given was that as a child, he nearly drowned in a canal. Yeah, right. Pearnel Charles, however, was strident, ranting on the campaign trail about rejecting same-sex marriage.
It is rather perplexing to me why sexual orientation has become an election issue. I cannot prove it, but I strongly suspect that all of our political leaders since independence have been bisexual, because no matter who is in power, we all get screwed. They demonstrate no gender preference whatsoever.
As a matter of fact, I think that it would be a good idea to hand out K-Y Jelly at polling stations on election day to help to make the inevitable more tolerable for the populace. I have already bought mine, and am bracing myself.
- Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.