Sat | Aug 19, 2017

Carolyn Cooper | How Anansi bruck up di JLP bell

Published:Sunday | May 22, 2016 | 5:00 AM

 

CHAKA-CHAKA SPELLING

 

Lickle before election inna February, Anansi go look fi Andrew Holness an Audley Shaw. Im tell dem seh im have one boss plan fi mek sure dem win. Dem seh, "Tell wi how it go!" Anansi seh, "It easy, man, easy. Tell di people dem seh unu a go cut out tax pon pay fi all who a mek up to $1.5 million."

Audley aks Anansi weh dem a go get di money fi do dat. Anansi seh, "Audley, mi never know yu so simple! Yu no ha fi have di money! Yu just ha fi seh so. An if push come to shove, all yu seh, yu did tink money did lef back, but wen yu look good, PNP done spen it off. A ongle one lickle ting mi a aks unu fi do fi mi." Anansi plan sweet Andrew an Audley. Dem tell im seh, "Anyting yu waan, Anansi, wi a go dweet".

Wen JLP done win election, an Audley gi im big Budget speech, Anansi go back go look fi im an Andrew. Hear weh im tell dem seh, "Unu no see seh mi a di boss! All Comrade vote fi unu. Dem tired fi Peter Phillips tell dem seh Jamaica a pass IMF test. An dem ha fi a pass food eena supermarket chruu dem no ha no money. Later fi Peter!" An Andrew an Audley an Anansi buss out one piece a dutty laughing.

 

ERECTION PROBLEM

 

Den Anansi seh, "Hear weh mi waan unu do fi mi. Unu see di JLP bell! Unu fi bruck it up an dash it weh. An tek mi, Anansi, fi unu new party symbol. Official!" Same time Andrew an Audley stop laugh. Andrew seh, "Anansi, man, mi know wi did promise yu anyting yu waan. But da one ya hard. Look how long wi a ring bell! Wi can't just pop off di tongue so! An it wi look bad fi mek di whole world know seh Anansi a run tings eena fi wi party."

Anansi stop laugh. Im seh, "So unu shame a mi now. Wen unu done win. Unu waan mi go tell Sista P how she can turn back prime minister quick-quick? Unu done know she no mek up fi her mind fi step down. She a heng on, heng on, heng on fi come back next election. Fi her glad bag wuda buss if mi go look fi her right now.

Andrew ketch im fraid. Im member di last time im was prime minister. Im never last too long. Like a man wid erection problem. An im seh to imself, "Mi nah tek dat deh chance fi go lose di prime minister work. An mi no even move eena mi big house yet, weh dem grudge mi fa! Wat a way Peter Phillips wuda laugh after mi an mi-billion dollar wall!"

So Andrew agree fi bruck up di bell an dash it weh. Den Anansi tell im seh di new JLP symbol ha fi deh pon everyting fi govament. Pon top a every letter dem send out; pon di side a govament vehicle; pon Jamaica House gate; eena Gordon House. Everyting ofishal ha fi have Anansi pon it. An a it mek, wen yu go a govament office all over Jamaica, yu see Anansi picture pon di wall. Jack Manduora, mi no choose none!

 

PRAPA-PRAPA SPELIN

 

Likl bifuor ilekshan ina Febieri, Anansi go luk fi Andrew Holness an Audley Shaw. Im tel dem se im av wan baas plan fi mek shuor dem win. Dem se, "Tel wi ou it go!" Anansi se, "It iizi, man, iizi. Tel di piipl dem se unu a go kot out taks pan pie fi aal uu a mek op tu 1.5 milyan dala".

Audley aks Anansi we dem a go get di moni fi du dat. Anansi se, "Audley, mi neva nuo yu so simpl! Yu no a fi av di moni! Yu jos a fi se so. An if push kom tu shov, aal yu se, yu did tingk moni did lef bak, bot wen yu luk gud, PNP don spen it aaf. A ongl wan likl ting mi a aks unu fi du fi mi."

Anansi plan swiit Andrew an Audley. Dem tel im se, "Eniting yu waahn Anansi, wi a go dwiit."

Wen JLP don win ilekshan, an Audley gi im big bojit spiich, Anansi go bak go luk fi im an Andrew. Ier we im tel dem se, "Unu no si se mi a di baas! Aal komred vuot fi unu. Dem taiyad fi Peter Phillips tel dem se Jamieka a paas IMF tes. An dem a fi a paas fuud iina suupamaakit chruu dem no a no moni. Lieta fi Peter!" An Andrew an Audley an Anansi bos out wan piis a doti laafin.

 

IREKSHAN PRABLEM

 

Den Anansi se, "Ier we mi waahn unu du fi mi. Unu si di JLP bel! Unu fi brok it op an dash it we. An tek mi, Anansi, fi unu nyuu paati simbal. Ofishal!" Siem taim Andrew an Audley stap laaf. Andrew se, "Anansi, man, mi nuo wi did pramis yu eniting yu waahn. Bot da wan ya aad. Luk ou lang wi a ring bel! Wi kyaahn jos pap aaf di tong so! An it wi luk bad fi mek di uol worl nuo se Anansi a ron tingz iina fi wi paati."

Anansi stap laaf. Im se, "So unu shiem a mi nou. Wen unu don win. Unu waahn mi go tel Sista P ou shi kyahn ton bak praim minista kwik-kwik? Unu don nuo shi no mek op fi ar main fi step dong. Shi a eng aan, eng aan, eng aan fi kom bak neks ilekshan. Fi ar glad bag wuda bos if mi go luk fi ar rait nou."

Andrew kech im fried. Im memba di laas taim im did ton praim minista. Im neva laas tuu lang. Laik a man wid irekshan prablem. An im se tu imself, "Mi naa tek dat de chaans fi go luuz di praim minista wok. An mi no iivn muuv iina mi big ous yet, we dem groj mi fa! Wat a wie Peter Phillips wuda laaf aafta mi an mi bilyan dala waal!"

So Andrew agrii fi brok up di bel an dash it we. Den Anansi tel im se di nyuu JLP simbal a fi de pan evriting fi govament. Pan tap a evri leta dem sen out; pan di said a govament viikl; pan Jamieka Ous giet; iina Gordon House. Evriting ofishal a fi av Anansi pan it. An a it mek, wen yu go a govament afis aal uova Jamieka, yu si Anansi pikcha pan di waal. Jak Manduora, mi no chuuz non!

- Carolyn Cooper is a consultant on culture and development. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and karokupa@gmail.com.