Mon | Sep 25, 2017

Patria-Kaye Aarons | Chatting fart

Published:Tuesday | July 19, 2016 | 7:01 AM

You know, the world has been a crazy place this past couple weeks. Collectively, all our hearts have truly been heavy what with all the killings not only in far-off places, but in our very own beautiful Jamaica. It pained me that perhaps this week, I would have to dedicate another article to comment on all that.

So I decided, no. Not this week. In today's article, I make a complete departure from the troubles of the world to talk about things sweet, totally nonsensical (and perhaps disgustingly funny). I'll share with you two random acts of kindness I have experienced in the recent history that have put a smile on my face, and, hopefully, yours, too.

Last weekend, I was in the airport in New York. It's a really busy spot and everyone is purposefully going about their own business. It can get a little cold - literally and figuratively - and yet even in cold JFK, there was a moment that warmed my heart. There was an elderly passenger in a wheelchair being pushed by a porter. She was busily rummaging through her handbag and curiosity got the better of me. I was wondering what she was searching for as the porter already had all her travel documents in hand.

From the bottom of the bag, she reached up with two slightly bruised and speckled bananas and she looked up at her porter, a perfect stranger, and in a thick Jamaican accent asked, "Yu want a ripe banana?" I loved that moment. It was a reminder that we each have something to give and an example that we can always display kindness.

I was playing tourist in San Francisco and doing some sightseeing. One must-do on the list was riding the streetcar. I was pretty excited from watching those Rice-A-Roni commercials and wanted to hang off the side of the trolley just like the people who eat the San Francisco treat.

After waiting almost two hours in line, I got to the front. The conductor asked for my ticket and I presented to him a slip of paper that I thought was the ticket. He said, "Ticket, not ticket receipt. Why you don't use your common sense?" My common sense did kick in, and because I didn't want to embarrass my country or my mother, I kibba-ed my mouth. I really wanted to reel him off a length of fabric, but I didn't have to. The couple in line behind me came to my defence.

The lady blurted out, "You are so rude," and her partner turned to me and said, "I'm so sorry. Not all of us are pigs." It felt good to have strangers pick up for me. The lesson was that not all people should be broad-brushed. The world is made up of all types, and for every idiot, there are two who compensate.

 

BAD GAS

 

Farts. I share with you an encounter with the fumes that proved to me that farts are the baddest bad gas.

You'll either think I'm downright disgusting or find the stories funny as heck, but either way, if only for a moment, we won't take ourselves so seriously and the tragedies of the world won't have the power to depress us.

I did my first yoga class and didn't know what to expect. It was intended to be a way to mix up the gym monotony and introduce a new, less strenuous way of keeping fit.

The room was full and a strapping man had positioned himself in the middle of the class.

Midway through one of the poses, the baddest of bad gases audibly left his body. It lit up all five of our senses - even taste. The man, who was light-skinned, was turning bright red with embarrassment, but nobody laughed. To save the moment, the instructor, keeping a straight face and that signature yoga monotone, chanted, "Yeeeees, let it out. Let those toxins leave your body by any means necessary!" Good save!

Perhaps in this madness, we should all practise a little yoga. As my friend, Nadia, says, "Right now, I just feel like everybody everywhere just needs to stop. Humans should just sit quietly for an hour and let the energies realign." I'll add bluntly that we also need to stop doing fart because that's the only way I can describe it.

- Patria-Kaye Aarons is a television presenter and confectioner. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and findpatria@yahoo.com, or tweet @findpatria.