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Michael Abrahams | Al Miller a man of the cloth - but which cloth?

Published:Monday | October 3, 2016 | 10:45 AMMichael Abrahams

I try to live my life with an attitude of gratitude, and today, I would like to give thanks for the Reverend Merrick ‘Al’ Miller. This man has enriched my life by providing me with hours of entertainment and tons of material.

I recall him taking credit for us being spared the full brunt of Hurricane Ivan’s wrath in 2004, claiming that his prayers made a difference, and implying that God, who is apparently his BFF, was influenced to have mercy on us, and confided this to him, probably while they were playing dominoes.

The eye of Ivan passed near Jamaica, causing US$360 million worth of damage, and the hurricane went on to decimate the Cayman Islands, racking up losses amounting to US$2.86 billion. From what I recall in Christianity 101, the Bible tells us to love our neighbours as ourselves. Cayman is our neighbour, but got a bitch lick. Did the goodly pastor not pray for that nation, too, or did he selfishly pray only for his country? Maybe while praying, his ‘prayer credit’ ran out before he could get to our neighbour.

Miller claims to be a man of faith, so I was flabbergasted when I heard that he was charged and convicted for negligence regarding the theft of his firearm from his vehicle while he was picking plums. If faith can move mountains and change the paths of belligerent weather systems, deviating the wrist of a gun-wielding would-be assassin should be a piece of cake.

If God is really your ‘bredren’, He would readily slap weh di hand of any dutty bwoy who would try to shoot, stab, slash, slap or strangle you. So, if you feel the need to protect yourself with a gun, your faith is not even the size of a mustard seed molecule. WTF (what the firearm) do you need a gun for?

More recently, Miller was found guilty of attempting to pervert the course of justice, after Jamaica’s then most wanted man, fugitive Christopher ‘Dudus’ Coke, was found in his company travelling along the Mandela Highway. Miller claimed that he was transporting Coke to the United States Embassy so he could surrender to authorities there, but the judge didn’t buy his story, and he bagged another conviction. In a letter published in 2004, Miller claimed, “The spiritual is my area of expertise, backed by theory, practice and evidence to support with proven track record.”

NOT WIG, HEADGEAR

Well, now his track record includes two criminal convictions and questions regarding his honesty. For example, following his arrest in 2010, while being interviewed by two detective inspectors, Miller was asked, “Was Coke at any time during the trip from St Ann to Kingston wearing a wig?” Miller responded, “I did not notice a wig, but headgear.”

Having seen the now infamous photograph, my response on hearing that was ‘DWRCL’ (dead with raucous, cacophonous laughter). That is like walking behind Yanique Barrett and saying that all you noticed was that her belt matched her heels, totally not seeing the ‘Clash of the Titans’ taking place between those points.

So, Miller received a noncustodial sentence, accepted it, and said that he would not appeal. He then scheduled a press conference that was short on conferencing and big on not answering certain questions posed by journalists.

HUGE EGO

What I found interesting was that he broke the law, and instead of being remorseful and asking for forgiveness, announced that he was forgiving those who let him down. The man’s ego is so huge, I swear it has its own area code.

Next thing I know, he has changed his mind and has decided to appeal his conviction, influenced by, among other things, “prayerful reflection”. Did he not prayerfully reflect before announcing that he would not appeal? Maybe God informed him of some new research findings since then.

I honestly do not understand how anyone can take this man seriously, and worse, give him money. Then again, you really should pay for quality entertainment. Al Miller portrays himself as being godly, but the only similarity between him and God that I see is that they are both ‘Most High’ – God, in Heaven, and Al, caught taking Coke.

Al Miller is a very talented fellow, but I think he should now change his career path and become a dancehall DJ. In order to be a successful DJ, you have to have street cred and be a thug, and Al fulfils several of the requisite criteria: ‘parring’ with bad man, having a criminal record, packing a gun and ‘bunning’ gay people. I can just see him at Sting ‘bussing’ a tune about his trials and tribulations:

“Yu nuh see how me bad, yu nuh see how me big

A me a di one drive Dudus inna wig

Call di embassy pon a BlackBerry

But Babylon pull me ova at Ferry

Now somebody come tek weh mi gun

While me a try fi go pick some plum

But inna hell fire him a go bun

Fa yu dun know me a God favourite son

Hallelujah!

Praise Gawwwd!”

- Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.