Daniel Thwaites | Grab them by the what?
I know! This is a family newspaper! But how can we discuss the events of these terrible days without terrible language? That's the challenge.
Let me explain.
I had a Trumpian moment when Chris Gayle awkwardly approached an Australian journalist and I commentated that the world was overreacting.
The article drew a swift response from then Deputy Opposition Spokesman on Justice Kent Gammon, who felt that The Gleaner needed to enforce some standards up in this piece!
"I find the words published in The Sunday Gleaner on January 10, 2016 by Daniel Thwaites, "Chris Gayle beg likkle p** p** from a white girl on TV and it's like the whole world wants to lose dem goddamn mind!", not only crude, but unbecoming of The Gleaner. I think The Gleaner should apologise to those of us with some refinement and a sense of shame ... ."
My first thought: This spokesgirl is too obviously enthused with censorship! So I penned a response titled 'Kent Gammon 'fraid ah 'p** p**', dealing, naturally, with the centrality of this word.
But then it dawned on me that the guy sorta had a point, protesting against creeping vulgarity. So I shelved the idea of challenging him to a duel.
Still, please get real! No child's virginal eyes are encountering these words for the first time in The Gleaner. By the time they can read, they're reciting Kartel and Spice like biblical passages, and if an innocent wrestles with the editorials, they'll be worse corrupted by politics than by a likkle word or two.
Anyway, with that as apologetic preface, I still have to ignore the kentish rules to discuss Donald Trump. Say what you want about The Donald, he has a true gift for memorable phraseology that riles up the refined.
"You're fired!" "Low-energy Jeb!" "Hilary 'Rotten' Clinton".
Hillary: "It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the laws in our country."
Trump: "Because you'd be in jail."
Most memorably, he has added a new phrase to our political lexicon: "And when you're a star ... . You can do anything - grab them by the 'lawd, have mercy!'"
Listen to Trump and it's only afterwards that you realise he's just inappropriately groped your mind-boobs and date-raped your sensibilities. Even RuPaul, the famous cross-dressing performer, has accused Donald of groping his 'mangina'.
When I heard that last one, like decent chaps everywhere who have never thought, and certainly never said anything remotely like that, I wondered to myself, "What could ever induce a man to say such a thing?"
Just after having that purifying anti-Trump thought, I tuned into the government-sponsored function to honour the Rio athletes. There were empty seats, despite star athletes, an exciting line-up of performers, and $80 million down the hole.
But it's clear they intended to really get people's attention by whatever means necessary! And how was that to happen? You guessed it - they wanted to grab them by the 'Lawd, have mercy'.
Because right after an uplifting gospel performance, there came DJ Spice, which is an interesting juxtaposition, sort of like how FLOW puts porn channels right next to religious ones.
Still, they had to know that Spice's output, however high-quality, does tend to centre around her groin. And one of her most famous songs is called A So Mi Like It officially, but among the natives is known by Trumpean phraseology: 'Skin out mi p** p**'.
"Skin out mi p** p**
Pon the bu**y mi a wine and a bum bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, paco bum, bum
Have mi b**ty just a jump and a bum, bu, bum, bu, bum."
That's a lot of 'p** p**' and 'bum bum' in one song! I trust Kent is firing off a stern letter of complaint to Andrew and Babsy about their lack of refinement.
Then here comes more news. The Government has decided to spend another $80 million on this new 'dead babies scandal'. What? Yes, they plan to grab expectant mothers and check out dem 'Lawd, have mercy' again! Because after what could only have been a very cursory 'investigation', it was announced that it is the mothers who are at fault.
Speaking of which, I'm utterly confused by that public defender's finding that the original 'dead babies scandal' was a non-event. If that is so, and it was a media creation designed to unseat a minister, I would like to believe that the dispensers of social justice will ferret out who is responsible for that political hit job and grab them up. Lawd, have mercy! I leave it to your Trump-like imagination as to where.
- Daniel Thwaites is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org.