Wed | Jul 18, 2018

Brian-Paul Welsh | Beauty queen has bigger balls than men

Published:Tuesday | February 28, 2017 | 12:00 AM

I must confess that one of my favourite characters over the years of watching each season of the local poppy show has been Lisa Hanna.

In a career now spanning decades, she has played the roles of bright young reporter, queen of all the beautiful babes, the first lady-in-waiting, a lunatic, a pretend talk-show host, the femme fatale, and now a possible future prime minister of Jamaica.

As the arc of her development goes, she has been anointed and disgraced more times than I can count! Yet each time it seems they are just about to write her off, she shakes her luxurious coif, does a shimmy in some unpronounceable designer boots, and wiggles her way back into the spotlight like the perennial Miss Congeniality, often mispronounced as 'jinnal' in our local parlance.

Hanna's ascent to national prominence has been tactical but sprinkled with a healthy dose of flair, a quality that has bewitched her many followers, adding some whimsy to this plot. The princess has steadily advanced through the dense political jungle, stealthily evading many perils along the way. Armed with her sharp wit and perennial poise; she does indeed cut quite the charming figure.

Within the pantheon of gods in our culture,she has found a seat among those most revered, and her spirit is regularly invoked in song and folklore at street dances islandwide as the embodiment of the divine feminine, the original goodie from 1993.

In her latest incarnation as the goddess of youth, an appointment that easily suits her, she has once again mesmerised the nation by stirring this bubbling cauldron. Mouths were jabbering and fingers click-clacking away from all productive activities last week as the citizenry became embroiled in a long-simmering debate ignited by Lady Lisa as she claimed her place at the pinnacle of weekly public opinion.


Backlash for opinion


In response to her position that we should seriously examine the ongoing series of unlawful instructions being delivered by one of our iconic teachers, right now imprisoned for his involvement in the cruel extermination of a man called Lizard, the tribe of Vybz Kartel has launched the full gamut of deadly weapons aimed at the back of Lisa's pretty little head!

As their rage festered in the septic think tank of social media, the long arm of the law wagged its finger at Gaza's untouchable disciples in hopes of stemming further attacks, shielding Ms Hanna from their threats, and offering comfort to the shaken MP with the official statement reading: "Lisa, kibba yu mout."

Meanwhile, His Royal Highness, fresh from the successful remote execution of a street dance, sound clash, music video shoot, carnival parade, rum sampling,and sneaker shopping, was surprisingly unavailable for comment.

The mere mention of the pink elephant in the prison cell was enough to crack open Pandora's box, releasing hordes of angry sycophants spewing bile in all directions in order to protect their king. The nest of systemic corruption was deliberately disturbed and the mischief-makers scattered defensively before regrouping to coordinate a serious offence.

What kind of country do we live in where the opposition spokesperson on youth and culture can no longer expressly oppose the youth culture in her speech?

Are we back in the days of distinguishment between gods and ordinary men where even the mention of certain names was taboo and treated like blasphemous utterances unfit for polite conversation?

Is the prison system being run like some type of country club, and if so, how do I get listed in the good book just in case?


Swimming with the sharks


Lisa Hanna's intense fitness regimen has surely prepared her for the rigours of Jamaican politics, and as evidenced by the recent broadening of her back, swimming for her life in these deep and shark-infested waters has benefited her once delicate frame.

That she was the first influential to remark on the stench emanating from the prisons that has now proliferated the airwaves is shocking, and perhaps even more disconcerting was the King of the Hill's recusal from commentary, citing his democratic liberalism philosophy as preclusion from having an interest in the matter.

With such reverence being paid to the country's precious fallen angel, it would be interesting to consider whether the message would have been similarly received had it been delivered by the goddess the peasants now call JAH.

- Brian-Paul Welsh is a writer and public affairs commentator. Email feedback to andbrianpaul.welsh