Sat | Jan 20, 2018

Gordon Robinson | Easy squeezy

Published:Tuesday | March 7, 2017 | 12:00 AM

In Apocrypha, that fantasyland beyond the clouds, Government was in a pickle.

Finance Minister R.U. Shaw's Budget preparation wasn't going well, so, since his friend Oma D'unn had retired, he called Bill Clinton for advice. The Budget needed plenty financing and R.U. figured Bill was the man when it came to raising funds.

"Hello, Bill Clinton speaking."

"Hi, Bill. R.U. here!' said Shaw.

"Of course, I'm here," answered Bill. "Where else would I be?"

"No, no. R.U. Shaw!"

"No disrespect, but at my age, I'm certain of nothing."

"Bill," Shaw was becoming testy: "I'm R.U. Shaw, Apocryphan finance minister. I need you to visit and give financial advice."

"Oh, I see," Bill perked up, "you want me to speak."

"I suppose, yes."

"Well, Hillary handles the business stuff, so I'm giving her the phone."

"Hello, Hillary here. You want Bill to speak? Hallelujah! The foundation has advertised a 70% discount since November. Are you interested?"

"No. I'm R.U. Shaw. Can Bill advise us how to raise money?"

"Oh, he's expert on that!"

The Apocryphan government paid a discounted rate for Bill to advise on funding the Budget gap. Instead, Bill gave a rousing speech about savings to be made from alternative energy. Maybe it was dementia or post-election stress disorder. Regardless, R.U. was forced to visit his friend Oma for the needed advice.


Political solution


Regular readers remember retired Apocryphan Finance Minister Oma D'unn, like the moon, bright only in the dark. Oma used his PhD in logic to solve political problems with parables. R.U. asked Oma how to plug the Budget gap. Oma reminded R.U. that he was retired and too busy enjoying himself making people think he was senile to pay attention to politics. "Just yesterday," Oma told R.U., "I withdrew cash from an ATM and shouted, 'I won! I won!' People frighten till."

"Anyway," Oma continued, "if is money you want to raise, go to church."

R.U. looked blank, so Oma told him the story of the Irish Catholic's confession.

Paddy hadn't been to confession for years. Finally, he found himself at church on a quiet Tuesday and entered the confessional box.

Inside, he came across a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses; on the other wall, a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Suddenly, the priest appeared, so Paddy respectfully bowed and said, 'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since my last confession, but I must admit the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'

The Priest replied: 'Get out, you moron! You're on my side.'

Oma explained that Apocrypha boasted too many new church buildings worth gazillions. Yet the Church paid no taxes. At least charge property tax, he advised.

"Yu mad?" R.U. exclaimed. "Di las' time we try to tax di Church is riot reach we. No way we gwine colleck dat tax."

Oma said, "Sounds like you need to buy a drink," and told him the story of the lady at the bar.


The lesson


A single father takes his young son with him to a bar and gives him three $10 coins to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. Realising that his son swallowed the coins, the father turns him upside down and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two coins but is still choking.

The father commences shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, serious-looking lady, in a blue business suit, is sitting at the bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. She hears the commotion, looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up and walks, unhurried, across the floor.

Reaching the boy, she carefully pulls down his trousers, takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist. Ever so gently at first then ever so firmly. Tighter! Tighter!! Tighter!!!

Suddenly, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last $10 coin, which the lady deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, she hands the coin to the father and silently returns to her seat.

As soon as he's sure his son is OK, the father rushes over to the lady and gushes thanks, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the lady replied, 'I'm with Inland Revenue.'

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to