Gordon Robinson | This is just a fantasy
While we've been away, lots happened in faraway Fantasyland, Apocrypha.
Oma D'unn, PhD in logic who solved political problems by parable, retired from politics. This meant his sage advice was more widely available so he set up a consultancy 'Oma Unsacked'.
His first customer, Juan Blinkinsod, a wealthy professional, married with children, became obsessed with femme fatale popularly known as 'Miss Titty'. Frank phrasing Cole Porter's lyrics is as good as it gets:
I've got you under my skin.
I've got you deep in the heart of me;
so deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.
I've got you under my skin.
Miss Titty hosted a trendy radio show on Apocrypha's Naughty News Network called Miss Titty, young, gifted and phat!' She usually met unemployed men/stay-at-home moms (also her demographic) so, when she saw her chance, she made a beeline for Juan's wallet. Every girl knows the way to a man's wallet is through his trousers, and Juan was already giving (in) so, soon, Juan and Miss Titty had a 'fling'.
I tried so not to give in
I said to myself, this affair never will go so well
But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know damn well
I've got you under my skin
Juan asked Oma if he should leave his wife. Oma told him the old story of a Jamaican couple who migrated to North Dakota. From the husband's diary:
"We reach 'Merica! Finally!! It nice ... .
Getting cooler, but we're adjusting; bought sweaters; went for a walk. Loving 'Merica!
Definitely cooler now. Taped windows shut. Outside cold, but feels like
News sey snow coming ... can't wait! We neva see snow before ... .
Started snowing. Wife cooked butter bun and we deh by di window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to trees and covering di ground. BEAUTIFUL!
Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering everyt'ing. FANTASTIC sight! Every tree/shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. Fus' time mi a shovel snow. Loved it. Finish our driveway and sidewalk.
Later, city snowplough accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shovelled again. Americans so friendly!
Twelve more inches of snow last night. Temperature now 4?. It not so bad. Tree limbs snapped from weight of snow. Shovelled our driveway again. Soon after, snowplough did its trick again. Snow now brownish-grey.
Warmed up enough to create slush which soon became ice. Bought snow tyres for cars. Slipped; fell on my 'ba**y' in the driveway. Chiropractor cost US$130 but nothing broken. More snow, ice expected.
Still cold. Sold wife's BMW; bought a 4x4 to get to work.
4x4 skidded into guard rail; mash up di right fender; another 15 inches of white s*** last night. Vehicle covered in salt and crud. More shovelling for me. Di damn snowplough man dweet again! Watch me an' 'im!!
Blouse an' skirt! Mi fus' heating bill come! Cl****t, how it so high?
A two frigging degrees out a door! An' more rahtid snow fi come. Every flippin' shrub inna di yard damage.
Power off all night. Wi try fi keep from freeze wid candle and kerosene heater, but di heater tu'n over an' nearly bun dung the r***c****t house. Second-degree burns pan mi hands; mi yeyebrow/yeyelash dem bunup. Den di car slide on the white sab (again!) on di way to hospital. Kmt!
Rahtid ... dis snow nah stop?? Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go outside. If I catch the b****c***t wey drive di blurdeeps snow-plough, I gwine gi him some bitch lick!
Power still off. Di toilet freeze up; di roof look like it wan' cave in.
Eleven more b***c***t inches a snow an' ice!!! Jah know, dis nuh right. Mi buss up di snowplough wid mi pick-axe but di driva get wey.
Di r*** car won't start. Mi can't feel mi toe dem; nuh see di b*****c***t sun fi weeks!! An' di weatherman predick more snow!!!
Mi a move back Jamaica tidday 'cause dis place a go kill mi!!!!"
Oma explained to Juan that, sometimes, it's better to stick to the reality one knows than to trust unknown and exciting fantasy. Always remember; never forget, this is just a fantasy.
Peace and love.
- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to email@example.com.