Sun | Dec 17, 2017

Gordon Robinson | This is just a fantasy

Published:Tuesday | October 24, 2017 | 12:00 AM

While we've been away, lots happened in faraway Fantasyland, Apocrypha.

Oma D'unn, PhD in logic who solved political problems by parable, retired from politics. This meant his sage advice was more widely available so he set up a consultancy 'Oma Unsacked'.

His first customer, Juan Blinkinsod, a wealthy professional, married with children, became obsessed with femme fatale popularly known as 'Miss Titty'. Frank phrasing Cole Porter's lyrics is as good as it gets:

I've got you under my skin.

I've got you deep in the heart of me;

so deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.

I've got you under my skin.

Miss Titty hosted a trendy radio show on Apocrypha's Naughty News Network called Miss Titty, young, gifted and phat!' She usually met unemployed men/stay-at-home moms (also her demographic) so, when she saw her chance, she made a beeline for Juan's wallet. Every girl knows the way to a man's wallet is through his trousers, and Juan was already giving (in) so, soon, Juan and Miss Titty had a 'fling'.

I tried so not to give in

I said to myself, this affair never will go so well

But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know damn well

I've got you under my skin

Juan asked Oma if he should leave his wife. Oma told him the old story of a Jamaican couple who migrated to North Dakota. From the husband's diary:

"We reach 'Merica! Finally!! It nice ... .

October 15

Getting cooler, but we're adjusting; bought sweaters; went for a walk. Loving 'Merica!

October 30

Definitely cooler now. Taped windows shut. Outside cold, but feels like

Jamaica inside.

November 11

News sey snow coming ... can't wait! We neva see snow before ... .

November 14

Started snowing. Wife cooked butter bun and we deh by di window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to trees and covering di ground. BEAUTIFUL!

 

November 15

Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering everyt'ing. FANTASTIC sight! Every tree/shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. Fus' time mi a shovel snow. Loved it. Finish our driveway and sidewalk.

Later, city snowplough accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shovelled again. Americans so friendly!

November 18

Twelve more inches of snow last night. Temperature now 4?. It not so bad. Tree limbs snapped from weight of snow. Shovelled our driveway again. Soon after, snowplough did its trick again. Snow now brownish-grey.

November 19

Warmed up enough to create slush which soon became ice. Bought snow tyres for cars. Slipped; fell on my 'ba**y' in the driveway. Chiropractor cost US$130 but nothing broken. More snow, ice expected.

November 20

Still cold. Sold wife's BMW; bought a 4x4 to get to work.

November 21

4x4 skidded into guard rail; mash up di right fender; another 15 inches of white s*** last night. Vehicle covered in salt and crud. More shovelling for me. Di damn snowplough man dweet again! Watch me an' 'im!!

November 22

Blouse an' skirt! Mi fus' heating bill come! Cl****t, how it so high?

November 30

A two frigging degrees out a door! An' more rahtid snow fi come. Every flippin' shrub inna di yard damage.

Power off all night. Wi try fi keep from freeze wid candle and kerosene heater, but di heater tu'n over an' nearly bun dung the r***c****t house. Second-degree burns pan mi hands; mi yeyebrow/yeyelash dem bunup. Den di car slide on the white sab (again!) on di way to hospital. Kmt!

December 5

Rahtid ... dis snow nah stop?? Mi affi put on all a di clothes wey mi own just fi go outside. If I catch the b****c***t wey drive di blurdeeps snow-plough, I gwine gi him some bitch lick!

December 10

Power still off. Di toilet freeze up; di roof look like it wan' cave in.

December 15

Eleven more b***c***t inches a snow an' ice!!! Jah know, dis nuh right. Mi buss up di snowplough wid mi pick-axe but di driva get wey.

December 18

Di r*** car won't start. Mi can't feel mi toe dem; nuh see di b*****c***t sun fi weeks!! An' di weatherman predick more snow!!!

December 22

Mi a move back Jamaica tidday 'cause dis place a go kill mi!!!!"

Oma explained to Juan that, sometimes, it's better to stick to the reality one knows than to trust unknown and exciting fantasy. Always remember; never forget, this is just a fantasy.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.