Tue | Jun 18, 2019

Carolyn Cooper | Parson gi mi one wicked p**-p** joke

Published:Sunday | March 24, 2019 | 12:25 AM

CHAKA-CHAKA SPELLING

Last month, mi did write one column wid dis ya headline, ‘Pom-Pom, Yes! P**-P**, No Way!’ One parson man sen mi one email bout it: “Just finished reading your delightfully mischievous and educational column. I have to share this experience with you. I worked in the RM Courts straight out of high school from 1968-1974”.

Parson seh, “There was a rape case in which the key witness was a countryman and so the lawyer had studiously trained him to use in court the English words for the private parts. Riot broke out in court, though, as the man recounted what he saw”.

Hear di witness: “Mi Rana, mi see Maas Bobby drag Miss June inna di kitchen an tear off her draws.”

By di way, Jamaican ‘draws’ come from English ‘drawers’. Ascorden to dictionary, ‘drawers’ a “garments that are pulled (or ‘drawn’) on”. By di time we done draw out ‘drawers’, it no sound like English at all, at all.

Anyhow, hear weh di witness gwaan an seh: “Maas Bobby tek out him, ahm . . . .”

Parson seh di man buck an start lik im forehead.

An den im seh, “Jesus Christ! A wa di sitn name again?”

Im ketch up imself: “Yes, Mi Rana! Im tek im ah p, penis an push it eena Miss June aahm . . . Beg pardon, lawyer! Wa di nickname fi p**-p** again?”

Court mash up. All di judge a dead wid laugh.

NICKNAME LANGUAGE

But di rape a no no joke. An when yu tink bout it, di p**-p** joke no sweet to dat. Look pon di stress di poor man under fi memba di English word dem! Im ha fi a lik im head fi beat out di word dem. Di Jamaican word dem fi ‘penis’ an ‘vagina’ a ‘bad’ word, so dem can’t use eena Missis Queen court.

Dat a no di half a di problem. Ascorden to di tapanaris dem eena dis ya country, di Jamaican language no good fi nutten. It nah no official status all eena court.

Nuff a di lawyer an di judge dem nah talk to di people dem eena dat deh language. All when dem well an know it. A English a run tings. Dat no right. Yu shoulda able fi talk eena yu modder language eena court. Withoutn no ‘beg pardon’! Dat a one human right.

Den mi dis love how di witness man know seh p**-p** a di real-real name fi ‘vagina’. Di English/Latin word a di nickname. Dat deh English word ‘nickname’ did start off as ‘ekename’. Di ‘eke’ mean ‘addition’: one next name weh add on pon yu birth cerfiticket name! Time pass an one ‘n’ hitch on pon ‘ekename’ through mix up. See wappen ya: ‘an ekename’ turn eena ‘a nekename.’

A no fool di countryman fool wen im seh ‘vagina’ a di nickname fi p**-p**. Im done know seh English a one ‘eke’ pon top a fi im owna language. English a di nickname language fi true fi nuff a wi. A high time Govament admit seh Jamaican a no no nickname language. It supposen fi official. Eena court, eena school, outa road an aal bout!

PRAPA-PRAPA SPELIN

Laas mont, mi did rait wan kalam wid dis ya edlain, Pom-Pom, Yes! P**-P**, No Way! Wan paasn man sen mi wan iimiel bout it: “Just finished reading your delightfully mischievous and educational column. I have to share this experience with you. I worked in the RM Courts straight out of high school from 1968-1974”.

Parson se, “There was a rape case in which the key witness was a countryman and so the lawyer had studiously trained him to use in court the English words for the private parts. Riot broke out in court though as the man recounted what he saw”.

Ier di witnis: “Mi Rana, mi si Maas Bobby jrag Mis June ina di kichin an tier aaf ar jraaz.”

Bai di wie, Jamiekan ‘jraaz’ kom fram Ingglish ‘drawers’. Azkaadn tu dikshaneri, ‘drawers’ a “garments that are pulled (or ‘drawn’) on”. Bai di taim wii don jraa out ‘drawers’, it no soun laik Ingglish at aal, at aal.

Eni ou, ier we di witnis gwaan an se: “Maas Bobby tek out him, aam . . .”

Paasn se di man bok an staat lik im farid.

An den im se, “Jiizas Krais! A wa di sitn niem agen?”

Im kech op imself: “Yes, Mi Rana! Im tek im aah p, piinis an push it iina Mis June aam . . . Beg paadn, laaya! Wa di nikniem fi p**-p** agen?”

Kuort mash op. Aal di joj a ded wid laaf.

NIKNIEM LANGWIJ

Bot di riep a no no juok. An wen yu tingk bout it, di p**-p** juok no swiit tu dat. Luk pan di schres di puor man aanda fi memba di Ingglish wod dem! Im a fi a lik im ed fi biit out di wod dem. Di Jamiekan wod dem fi ‘penis’ an ‘vagina’ a ‘bad’ wod. So dem kyaahn yuuz iina Misis Kwiin kuort.

Dat a no di aaf a di prablem. Azkaadn tu di tapanaaris dem iina dis ya konchri, di Jamiekan langgwij no gud fi notn. It naa no ofishal stietos aal iina kuort. Nof a di laaya an di joj dem naa taak tu di piipl dem iina dat de langwij. Aal wen dem wel an nuo it. A Ingglish a ron tingz. Dat no rait. Yu shuda iebl fi taak iina yu mada langwij iina kuort. Widoutn no ‘beg paadn’! Dat a wan yuuman rait.

Den mi dis lov ou di witnis man nuo se p**-p** a di riil-riil niem fi ’vagina‘. Di Ingglish/Latin wod a di nikniem. Dat de Ingglish wod ‘nickname’ did staat aaf az ‘ekename’. Di ‘eke’ miin ‘addition’: wan neks niem we ad aan pan yu bort sorfitikit niem.Taim paas an wan ‘n’ ich aan pan ‘ekename’ chruu miks op. Si wapn ya: ‘an ekename’ ton iina ‘a nekename.’

A no fuul di konchriman fuul wen im se ‘vagina’ a di nikniem fi p**-p**. Im don nuo se Ingglish a wan ‘eke’ pan tap a fi im uona langwij. Ingglish a di nikniem langwij fi chruu fi nof a wi. A ai taim Govament admit se Jamiekan a no no nikniem langwij. It sopuozn fi ofishal. Iina kuort, iina skuul, outa ruod an aal bout!

- Carolyn Cooper, PhD, is a specialist on culture and development. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and karokupa@gmail.com.