Mon | Nov 23, 2020

Gordon Robinson | The essence of Independence

Published:Tuesday | August 6, 2019 | 12:00 AM

Messages of congratulations on achieving 57 years of Independence have flooded Jamaica House from many friendly nations, including several from Apocrypha, our favourite fantasyland far beyond the clouds.

Apocryphan Prime Minister Andrue Polemess acknowledged that the first six days of August were the object of a Jamaican combination celebration known as ‘Emancipendence’. He sent a special message by diplomatic pouch endorsing the concept. He wished Jamaica success in achieving independence from its new colonial master, USA, which could bring real prosperity. He hoped Jamaica would soon be emancipated from public emergencies like hails of bullets and storms in teacups bought by government-issued credit cards.

Remember Apocryphan Cabinet Minister R.U. Shaw? He was like a man with initials ‘G.B.S.’ Asked “Are you Shaw?’ he replied, “My dear old thing, I’m certain of nothing!” R.U. sent a separate congratulatory message and a gift-wrapped packet of Coloradan Marijuana for Jamaica to sample with a view to importing quality weed from Colorado.

Culture Minister Boobsy DeRange said she was excited about the artistic and cultural celebrations and offered Apocrypha’s national park as a venue to emancipate Jamaican music festivals from Catherine Hall.

Apocryphan Opposition Leader Peter Peter sent their own greetings. They hoped independent Jamaica would rise united as one Peter; that an Angel would bless Jamaica in accordance with Burke’s Law; and they offered Jamaica the services of a chairman, director, AND manager to organise its independence celebrations. “Why use one when three will do?” they asked.

Opposition Spokesman on Youth Idaman Crawfresh offered to send a prized she-goat to help with the catering, while Foreign Affairs Spokesperson Li Onna, when told that Jamaica was awake with anticipation, asked, “Who died? I Gotta send condolences to the right place!”

The most significant independence message was sent by Oma D’unn. Regular readers know Oma by now. He was a retired politician and former Cabinet member who held a PhD in logic, but, like a moon, was bright only in the dark. After retirement, Oma became a consultant who solved political problems with parables.

Oma sent Jamaica a message headlined ‘Be careful what you ask for’. The full text of Oma’s message was leaked to the media and is reproduced below:

“American Congress declared Independence from Britain on July 2, 1776. This happened over a year after the American Revolution began in April 1775. After a couple of days editing and polishing, the document known as the Declaration of Independence was completed on July 4, 1776 and signed in August. So Americans commemorate July 4 as their Independence Day. But it took them 16 months from ‘voting’ for cutting of the umbilical cord with Britain to actually get it done. So it was USA that really invented Brexit. USA ‘Brexited’ centuries before it became fashionable. It wasn’t until the 19th century that America began to formally celebrate July 4 as Independence Day.

It’s been only three years since the UK voted for its own Brexit, so delay in implementation is nothing unusual. These things take time.

Now, 244 years after America decided to cast aside all things British (during which it outlawed kings but accepted queens), to create its own language and culture, we’ve seen American TV shows like All in the Family (a rip-off of British TV’s Love Thy Neighbour); Sanford and Son (identical to BBC radio comedy Steptoe and Son); Maud (Fawlty Towers) and Who’s the Boss (The Upper Hand). We’ve suffered through cruel, soul-destroying abominations like Adam Sandler movies, Denny’s, and Nicki Minaj. USA shows more British traits than Britain, including making atrocious leadership choices and voting for a racist despot who wields more power more arbitrarily than any British monarch. July 4th has become the day Will Smith saved the world from aliens!”

Oma received a request for clarification, also by diplomatic pouch. His reply was terse. He explained that USA’s example proves that just saying you’re independent doesn’t make it true.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.