Thu | Aug 16, 2018

What men say

Published:Monday | November 17, 2014 | 12:00 AM

When I heard that Dr Myles Munroe had died, I started to think about some of his messages. He was a great pastor and I was introduced to him in 2009 by a friend, when I had my youngest child and was going through darkness within myself. Listening to his sermons helped me tremendously. I decided to listen to one of his sermons and I choose , The Myth of Singleness. I had heard this sermon many times before, but I had forgotten it and had started to accept the pressures of society.

In this sermon, Dr Munroe speaks to single men and women about interpersonal relationship. He explains why you should never look to your mate to complete you. People mistake 'two become one' to mean that each person is 50 per cent, which is far from the truth. Only a complete person - a person that has a great intrapersonal relationship can make a relationship work. Love alone cannot sustain a union. He speaks about the advantages of being single and how it's more important to be single than it is to be married.

We were all taught that it's better to be married than single, and as soon as we are of a certain age people start questioning why we are single. I find myself dodging questions about being in my 30s and single. It has become worse because my birthday is fast approaching in December.

When I tell people that I do want to get married and I am currently searching for the man that God has deemed fit to be my husband, they start saying I am picky or wondering what is it about me that no man has made me their wife yet. I never worry about those people because I know who I am, and what I have to offer the 'right' man. But it does add some pressure. I start thinking, "Yanique, you can't reach 40 alone, you just can't.''

But if a person does not have a good relationship with themselves, they can never have a good one with anyone else. The misconception that if we find a good man we will stop hurting or stop feeling insecure is inaccurate. All we have done is to transfer our hurt and insecurities on to another person.

Everyone has the capacity to give love and be loved once they love themselves. If you are still focused on your past, nothing will happen with you in the present. I had to work hard to release myself of the hurt and pain of my past and constantly tell myself that the relationship was only for a season. Everything changed when my relationship with myself changed. I had to develop 'Yanique' before anybody saw me. My intrapersonal relationship became a priority and then everything changed.

Learning to Listen

About two years ago, I met this guy. I wasn't thinking about dating or even entering a relationship then, but we had a connection. We started seeing a lot of each other and we were basically inseparable. He knew I had children, and he enjoyed spending time with them. He was a man that wanted a family and exhi-bited all the qualities that I think a husband should have. I started having some strong feelings for this man and it was obvious that he cared about me and my family too, but we hadn't expressed it to each other yet.

One day we went to the movies, and after I expressed to him how I felt. He parked the car at the side of the road and began explaining to me what I thought at the time was foolishness. He said he cared a great deal about me and I have some amazing children, but he doesn't see us having a future. He didn't see himself having a serious relationship with me because I had children. Now this man enjoyed spending time with my family, but he didn't see me as his potential wife.

He wanted me to understand that he valued our relationship, but he couldn't go any further because he didn't want to hurt me and he knew he could never marry me. I have had many persons (mostly women) telling me that I would never find a mate because of my kids. No man would choose to get involved with a mother of four, when they could easily meet a woman that had none.

Well, here he was telling me about all the things he loved about me but he couldn't see himself spending his life with me because of my children, children he cared about. How does one react to that? I will always have children and if I could travel back in time, I would have them all over again, so that was never going to change.

He basically told me he wanted a wife with all the qualities I had, but she just couldn't be a mother. He said that because of me, he knew that Jamaica had good women left and he wasn't going to settle for anything less because I showed him how a woman is suppose to treat a man.

Okay, so I am amazing and all that you need, but only if I could subtract the four people that helped to make me who I am? I hated him for quite a while, and it took me even longer to realise that he had done me a favour.

We could have continued the relationship and my feelings would have grown with no hopes of a future. He knew what he wanted and I wasn't it. I have seen men be very straightforward with women about how they feel, and how much they can invest in them.

Instead of listening to the words coming out of their mouths, some women ignore them and start talking about the man not knowing what he wants. All this after he has said clearly, and in English, that he doesn't want a relationship with them. For me, I listen to their words and observe their actions to determine if they are in total agreement. I have no intention of wasting time trying to adjust myself for a man who has already made it clear that he doesn't want me. I don't think any woman should, as the only person that will be hurt is you.