Wed | Oct 17, 2018

Winning back your ex (Part II)

Published:Monday | December 22, 2014 | 12:00 AM

Cathy Risden, Lifestyle Writer

Continuing with Dimario's story from last week. He told Flair, "I did every and anything she wanted. I took her lunch whenever she asked. Sometimes I would surprise her with something. I tried everything possible."

4 Don't let them walk all over you. Don't agree to everything your ex wants, or sacrificing your needs, values and goals. Love is not selfish and if you are being taken for granted that means they neither love nor respect you. Never allow yourself to be treated less that you are worth. Loving someone does not mean you allow them to mistreat you.

5 Don't shower them with affection. The more you shower them with emotions, the more trapped they will feel and make them want to get away from you as soon as possible. You may love them but you need to accept their boundaries in the interim, since you are no longer together.

"Before we broke up, about a month after she moved to live closer to the school, she was a part of the school's student executive body so she was very busy. We didn't eat lunch together anymore and she started spending time with other guys on campus. Some of my friends saw her and told me and I confronted her about it. I also almost got in a fight with the guy," he continued.

6Don't overreact when your ex starts dating. The thought of your ex being with someone else is heart wrenching. We are not always able to accept when they are trying to move on, especially if the break-up is still fresh in their system. Do not tell them they are making a mistake even if they are doing so. Allow them to learn on their own - remember boundaries.

Focus on you

  • Use the 'no contact' period to take care of yourself mentally and physically.
  • Analyse what happened in the relationship, and try to not repeat them.
  • Change your appearance - get a haircut, manicure, pedicure or a new hairdo.
  • Try writing in a journal or a blog which can help you grieve. Spend as much time with friends as possible, and go on at least one date before ending the 'no contact' period.
  • It is also important to do some meditation and exercise - to reduce stress and increase feel good hormones.
  • And finally, accept the fact that even if you don't get your ex back, you will be fine since there are endless opportunities in the world to find love and happiness.

Contacting your ex

A handwritten letter can be considered as more meaningful, romantic and more effective than a text message or an email. But if you are not ready for what will happen after your ex gets the letter, you might screw things up even more.

In the letter, state that the break-up was ok with you and that you think that you both needed space and time. Briefly mention something positive and new that is happening in your life and avoid giving too much detail. This will pique curiosity and interest.

And finally, apologise briefly, if you acted desperate, crazy or insecure during the break-up.

No need to rush when they start chasing you. You want something that will last this time. Bear in mind also that they might still be going through the after-effects of the break-up. Be careful not to repeat the same mistake that led to your first break-up. Take it slow.

If your ex contacts you

If your ex keeps calling, don't be rude and completely ignore their calls. Don't get too personal or treat him like your closest friend or lover. Just be amicable and a little distant.

Here are a few ground rules to talk to your ex during the no-contact period.

  • Keep the conversation short - 10 to 15 minutes at most. Then, gracefully end the call saying you have to go somewhere or do something.
  • Be happy and upbeat
  • Keep topics social
  • You should not talk about your problems or your feelings and don't bring any type of negative issues into the conversation.