New year, same me
Every December, I find myself evaluating my life and looking back on the year that was. I start asking myself questions like: Were my expectations met this year? What did I learn this year? Did I grow personally and professionally? What would I want to go back and change this year if I could?
This self-evaluation can be a vicious battle because we hardly focus on the positive and spend so much time focusing on the negative. If I am not careful I find myself evaluating myself through the eyes of others and their expectations for my life. That's definitely not the best way to start a new year. I know many persons, mostly women, sit down each year and make resolutions. Some of these resolutions never get past the first month and you slip into a 'funk' because you think you have failed. Oftentimes, the resolutions that we set are unrealistic to our current situation and hence we never stood a chance from the onset.
I learned so much in 2014 and I have no resolutions for 2015 but to continue on the path on which the past year took me.
2014 was the year that I actually learned how to 'be happy'. It was the year I learned to let go of so much past hurt and expectations. It's amazing the feeling that overcomes you when you remove all the expectations that your family and friends have put over your life. The moment I started focusing on Yanique and what she needed and expected for herself, I was happy. Happiness comes from within and until I accepted who I was and adjusted my thought process, I wasn't going to be happy. It took a lot of work, but I adjusted my mindset and I find myself overcome with so much happiness that I want to share it with everyone around me. I smile and laugh more, but the biggest bonus for me is that I feel and look younger. I love that!
My greatest fear has always been getting hurt. That fear has crippled me many times and I have walked away from people that loved me because every day I kept looking for something to happen that would ruin it. I am not doing that anymore. Love is a beautiful feeling, one that isn't always verbalised because of fear, but the actions make it so clear. This year, I am embracing love and all its trappings and shortcomings. I no longer live in fear of it because I know how amazing it is to be loved and I wouldn't want my fear to stop me from experiencing it. I have learned to accept love and give love without any reservations or restrictions.
It seems I am always in a rush and I want everything done here and now. When it doesn't happen in the time I want, I get disappointed or angry and often times it was clear from the onset that it couldn't happen in the time I wanted. I started the year off in search of my husband. I had this long list with specifications as to how he should be, and you would think I was ordering from a menu. When I didn't see any of my dates materialising into the guy I had on the paper, I was disappointed. The list I had created wasn't realistic and I eventually had to throw it out. Unless I had my own lab, this individual I was seeking did not exist. Somewhere along the road to my husband, I stopped searching for one. I found myself instead looking for a companion. A person that had long-term characteristics but was okay being my friend in the short term and watching where all that would lead. I decided to be patient and start enjoying the moment. Since then, I find myself being more patient in other aspects of my life.
There are goals that I want to achieve this year and have already started working on, but I know that these goals may change in six months or even a month because I am always reinventing myself and I want my goals to be specific to who I am. If a goal of mine was to be a dancer and I break my legs along the way, I will have to adjust my goal and maybe become a dance instructor. I want my goals to be realistic to my situation.
This year, I will be happy and live in the moment. I will love without fear and accept love in all its different colours. I will be more patient and trust that everything will happen when it's meant to and in accordance with a bigger plan that I am not privy to. I am thankful for the experiences of 2014 and I know 2015 has its own experiences and lessons, and I am ready.