Fri | Dec 2, 2016

Kelly's World: Congratulations! You are pathetic.

Published:Monday | April 20, 2015 | 12:00 AM

The Oxford Dictionary defines 'pathetic' as "arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness."

It can also mean miserably inadequate. So, for instance, "that was a pathetic effort from the team today." Please note, mi nah throw nuh word pon nobody! Now the thing with this definition is that dependent on what it is you're doing that may be deemed pathetic, you won't actually be getting pity. But then some of us are more understanding than others. Human beings are known for doing pathetic things. Like the man who has 10 children by 10 different women, doesn't take care of any of them, and expects them to take care of him when he gets older. That's a trifecta of pathetic actions and/or beliefs. Thing is, there are a number of things that make you pathetic, but surprisingly (OK, maybe not THAT surprisingly), many people don't realise it.

Always the helpful one, let me give you some advice. So you know you're pathetic if:

- The only reason you have an Instagram account is to see when cute women are posting bikini-clad pictures of themselves - This one almost fully applied to me.

- You bought a new car you can't afford because you're trying to keep up with the Joneses - Definitely not about me because I can't afford it unless I'm selling 'the coco'.

- You wear shoes smaller or bigger than your feet because they look stylish - Again, this one ain't me, but you would be surprised how many men this applies to.

- You spend big money on a new hairdo but skimp on your children's lunch money - Too many women to mention.

- You have to resort to wearing weird costumes, or shout for the release of incarcerated musicians to get 'a forward' - Too many recording artistes to mention.

- You spend money you don't have on designer clothes because you can't afford to be seen in the same outfit twice - semi-rich people do this one, real rich folks don't give a damn.

- You switch jerseys depending on which team is winning - We call them wagonists! And this can substitute for politics too.

And this list is by no means exhausted. In fact, we've barely got started. But you get the idea. Now the thing with being pathetic is that there are different levels of (I'm not sure if this is a word) patheticism. There are the ones who honestly don't believe they are pathetic. They see nothing wrong with whatever actions the rest of us see as pathetic. They think its 'normal'. Or at the very least, it's not something to make front page news.

This set? Dem bad and nuh so bad. The worse ones are those who have some inkling that they maybe pathetic, but either pass it off as a necessary evil, or choose not to explore it too deeply.

The worst kind though are the ones who are pathetic, know they are pathetic, and don't give a hoot. Now dem need help. This is the "only God can judge me" type of crowd. Don't worry, Sister, He will. Later.

• Tell me if I'm pathetic

(I can take it) at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com.