In the wrong business
It's apparent to me that I'm in the wrong business. Not that I shouldn't do some form of writing, but maybe not do it full-time. You see, that's because I think I've found my true calling. I'm going to be an advice therapist. Stop laughing! I'm serious. And no I don't have a first degree in psychology, sociology or an other '-ology' you can think up. Quite frankly, I don't need one. There is a good, old-fashioned thing known as common sense, which, though it may not be as common as it once was, is still very necessary.
In fact, as citizens of the world have seemingly gotten dumber, I believe those of us blessed with common sense need to do more. Think about all the Dear Doc, or Tell Me Doc, or Tell Me Pastor et al columns you've read over the years. One thing is brutally clear: there are some frighteningly stupid people out there. Some have genuine problems and issues of the religious, medical, familial or social kind. And with those folks, I truly sympathise and in some instances empathise. But others just fool as hell.
These are not actual episodes (feels like a soap opera at times) but I'm just imagining how these things go.
"Doc, I love my wife dearly but recently I met this nice young lady. We talked, had a few drinks and then we went back to her place. Doc, she used her hand to 'give me pleasure'. My wife has never done that. Now I'm wondering if I should leave my wife and marry the new girl. What should I do?"
Or how about this. "Pastor, my husband doesn't take me anywhere, he doesn't introduce me to his friends and co-workers and he forbids me from going outside when he's not home. Does he love me? Should I stay with him?"
Trust me, if I didn't have the highest regard for the doctors and counsellors who answer these things, I would think they had actually made the stories up.
Now talk the truth, why would you need to have decades of experience in listening to people's problems to help these two people out? I'm telling you, there's money to be made here.
Have to throw this one in. Reuters news agency reported that Denmark passed legislation last Tuesday banning bestiality. This stiffens (no pun intended) a law that animal rights activists thought was encouraging animal sex tourists to visit the country. The law originally only banned intercourse if it 'harmed' the animals. So you could do whatever you want with the animal, just don't hurt them. And as for the alleged animal sex tourists, that's another column!
Now people like those, I can't help. If I have a radio show and a caller's first words are, "DK, I have a thing for animals" we are going to a commercial break immediately! Dem people deh need a certified professional. For everybody else, check me.
• Tell me your problems (not the very serious ones) at firstname.lastname@example.org