Wed | Oct 17, 2018

Looking a work at FIFA

Published:Monday | June 8, 2015 | 12:00 AM

The closest thing to success I ever had in football was in the eighth grade.

We had an interform competition at Ardenne, and like all other classes, we entered, the only problem was we only had 10 boys in the class (long story). Anyhoo, despite always playing a man short (well, two really, because I was useless) we got to the finals. We lost on penalties, but so it go. Yours truly, the fat bastard, didn't play in the final, because of some measly chest twinge that sufficiently got me scared. But again, it might not have made much difference 'cause I wasn't any good.

That's the height of my football career. By the time I played interform again in grade 10, that class had far more boys so I didn't offer my (limited) services. In upper sixth form, I decided to lace up the old boots (well, sneakers) to give it one last try. We were hammered 5-1 by the other grade-13 class, which played the second half with three girls! I'm not saying I walked around school with a brown paper bag over my head in shame, but it wasn't my greatest moment on a football field. Basically, I haven't kicked a ball since.

So all this leads me to why I think I, and other people like me, should start get a work at FIFA. Dem cannot tell me dem don't have no openings, cause man still deh a prison so post deh deh fi fill. Seriously, with all the problems the organisation has been facing - FBI probe, multiple arrests, and all these things - you need people whose hands have never even been considered to be in the cookie jar. Trust me, from a football funny business perspective, my hands are cleaner than a surgeon before an operation. Mi nuh owe nobody nutten, nobody nuh buy nuh watch or car give me, nutten like that.


people like me


My conscience clear like a summer's day. You need people like me who there is no way anyone can say we took bribes. My car creaks, my shoes are begging bread, and I live with my parents. So unless I've got some offshore accounts or something, the only thing I can offer is just plain old me and my love for football. I have neither oil nor any other substance to literally or figuratively grease any palms.

The extraordinary congress FIFA will have to convene because Sepp Blatter resigned (I wouldn't have bet the mortgage on that happening by the way), will come a little too soon. Mi nuh have no passport much less visa, so I can't travel to do any international elbow-rubbing. Not bribing enuh, just friendly campaigning; nuh money nah run (especially 'cause I don't have any). But by the next scheduled congress in 2016, my travel papers must sort out. Plus, it's in Mexico, so if things don't work out, mi can swim!

Hold on deh. I have to be a member of the Caribbean Football Union and CONCACAF first, don't it? Watchya now! This plan might take longer than I thought. SMH.

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