Thu | Sep 21, 2017

Son of a beach, it's no fun anymore

Published:Monday | July 6, 2015 | 7:00 AM

Haven't been to the beach in a while, and that's a good thing.

After spending a fair amount of time (more than I'm actually comfortable to admit) on social media, I realise this whole beachwear thing has changed. And it's not necessarily for the better either. It seems that as time marches on (as it has a nasty habit of doing), some of these swimsuits are getting skimpier by the minute. I know material is expensive, but, damn, nuh mek it look so. Now mind you, the young women modelling these swimsuits are the right body type to be doing so. And yes, there are the ones for the 'big-boned' belles as well that make them look fab, too.

But if I was a boyfriend, fiancÈ or husband, I might make like Nick Jonas and sing (cue high-pitch voice) "I still get jealous." A good breeze or a big husky splash from a wave, and every part of that bikini-clad body that wasn't supposed to be seen by the general public is now out-a-door! In fact, some of these bikinis are so small, if the woman sways too hard to music, something is going to pop up, or out.

feeling like an old man

All this skimpiness is the main reason the beach ain't fun for me anymore. You see, I'm beginning to feel like an old man, and I just feel like after a certain age, it's no longer acceptable to gawk at women in bikinis. You really shouldn't gawk at all, but when you're a teenager it's expected. When you're in your 20s, it's normal. Once you start heading to 40, I just think it's creepy. I mean no harm, but there are some sick bastards out there and I don't want anyone mistaking me for one.

The men who make it bad for everybody are those who act like they've never seen a woman in a bikini before. They're easy to spot, heads transfixed on breasts, legs and thighs more than a KFC employee. These men can't identify these women because their eyes are focused on every body part other than the face. They could be checking out their own sister-in-law and not realise until it's waaay too late (i.e. when their eyes make four with wifey)! That won't happen to me for sure. I'm going to the beach blindfolded. Call me Stevie Wonder.

One of 'those' guys

Oh, and since my stomach is beginning to look like it could provide shelter from the sun for small children, don't look for me to go shirtless and wearing just Speedos. I refuse to be one of 'those' guys who thinks he looks like Mr Universe. I never did, so I'm not going to try starting now. So if you see a blindfolded, rotund, short man in baggy T-shirt and shorts at the beach, come over and say "hi", 'cause it's highly possible it's me. Later.

• Link me at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com