Ramblings of a mad man (or a diatribe on life and change)
Not for the first time, I'm sitting here, not quite sure what to do next.
The specifics are not quite important (quite frankly, if I tried to explain them, you wouldn't understand anyway). But needless to say, I'm sitting here at di people dem computer wondering "How?" as in "How did I get here (i.e. my current situation)?" I'm asking "Who?" as in "Who would have thought this possible?" And I'm asking "Where?" as in "Where is the nearest rock I can hide under?". I could easily throw in a few more questions, but I think there are enough in my brain already.
They say the only constant thing in life, is change. Now that fact will a) not bother you at all, b) elicit a feeling of excitement, or c) drive you absolutely bonkers. I think we all know which category I'm in. Consider me bonkered beyond belief. We all want things out of this Rubik's Cube we call life. Sometimes, in order to get the things you want, you have to change, or a better word might be 'adapt'. But what if you feel that in going after those things, you have to change or adapt yourself too much? Is there even such a thing as changing or adapting too much? Isn't it possible to change or adapt but maintain the core elements that made you different from everyone else to begin with? I'm not sure anymore. I probably shouldn't say 'anymore', because I don't think I ever really figured it out.
Perhaps the even better question is, what if the things you want, aren't the things you should be wanting? What if the things you want are actually bad for you? It's easy to mix up the things you want with the things you absolutely need. I want a new cellphone (I actually do) but I don't absolutely need one. But if you really want something, doesn't it become a kind of need? Maybe such a dramatic distinction doesn't have to be made between need and want anyway. Or how about this? In order to really enjoy your existence, one might simply need to alter one's perception of life. And this is where reality comes in.
I used to believe reality is what you make it. Nope! Reality is what it is, you just may not have all the facts at once. And since becoming privy to more facts (at least in my corner of the universe), I realise my perception of life was about as off as Australia's batting during The Ashes. So, clearly, to get what I want in my newfound (or newly realised) reality, I have to change. Which brings me back to my quandary. How much am I willing to change, do I change at all, or do I (simply?) change the things I want? So you see why I'm sitting here, hands cupped under jaw.
So what is next in this mixed-up movie of my life? I'm writing it as I go along, so get the popcorn ready; this should be interesting!
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