Sun | Jan 20, 2019

Happy New Year (yeah right)

Published:Monday | December 28, 2015 | 12:00 AM

There's a thing about new years that's just not for everybody.

For the eternal optimists among us, a new year represents a new beginning. It heralds a new way of doing things, a change of strategy, scenery, an overall difference in one's life. That difference is usually a positive one, a step or two forward that helps the individual to be a better person. So, whether they lose weight, or they try a new hobby or they finally achieve something they had always planned to do but never found the time, there is change. Good for them. I really mean that.

Yours truly, however, goes by a different credo. I used to look forward to the new year with excitement, anticipation and joy, all that crap. But that's when I was younger, as in when I weighed less, and had no grey hair. I used to wonder how things would get better in the year to come. Now, I wonder how things can possibly get any worse. It's got to the point now where I'm taking bets with people as to how bad things can get. And, true to form, they almost always seem to get worse.


Mall nuclear device


But, unfortunately, and no matter how much I try to stop time (trust me I have), a new year always comes around. So I figure there are two things I can do (and these are not based on any scientific calculations on my part, because, let's face it, I'm not that smart). Plan A: Create a small nuclear device and detonate it somewhere in an isolated part of Jamaica. This would create a rip in the space-time continuum in which I can live away from the real world. Only downside with that plan is like I said, I have zero ability to make a nuclear device. But if it came off, it would be great because things would be exactly as I wanted it.

So on we go to Plan B. With all the technology we have these days, I know that somebody somewhere is building a time machine. I would invest my life savings (I'm not Bill Gates, but mi mus' can find two dolla) and volunteer to be one of the first persons to try out the device. I would set it to about 1994 when I would have been 13. Having got there, I would do one of two things. Either I would try and change a few things and then come back to the present, or (and this is the likelier of the two choices), I would simply stay there and grow up again. Only a damn fool would make the same mistakes twice. Plus, I would know the outcome of all the major world and local events, so I would make a fortune at the betting shop and stock market.

Of course, it would mean I would have to live through these crappy adult years again, but maybe if I've got a few more dollars, it might ease the blow. Oh well, see you next year (groan).

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