Stop the whats-it-not crying!
I've tried (with very little success) to have a tag line for every year.
The only one I can remember lasting for even a ripple of time was in 2006 when I came up with "2006, the world ain't ready for this!" Looking back, I've seen bovine excrement that was more appealing than that. I got to maybe about the middle of the first week of the year before that garbage was abandoned like the ridiculous rally cry that it was. By the way, if I sound a tad brutish even by my hot-headed standards, I am. But that's for another column.
So we're going to try for another tagline this year. It comes from a line in one of my favourite movies Marked For Death, when Screwface tells his next potential victim to "Stop The &*#@!^$ Crying." I can't use the full quote (darn rules and regulations!) but you get the drift. Stop Crying! No I'm serious, stop it! Now the good thing with this mindset/slash statement is you can use it for yourself or you can apply it to others. Whether you apply it without their knowledge or to their face is another matter. Guess it depends on how well you and them get along.
But as someone who has done his fair share of crying (more in the last year than in my entire life combined!), I think I'm the best person to start the movement.
If whatever you're going through doesn't involve the police, courts, or major surgery, stop crying! So any guy I hear bemoaning that women only want him for his body, stop crying! At least you're getting some! Any woman I hear lamenting her boyfriend is lame but she still loves him, stop crying! If you really want to leave his pathetic bum, you would! Any person, like me, who let themselves go and find the treadmill hard to run on? stop crying! It didn't hurt when you were stuffing the sugar bun in your mouth! Your boss is taking advantage of you? stop crying! At least you're employed!
Now I admit there might be a seemingly drastic lack of empathy, sympathy, and kindness on my part. And considering the way the world is going, we need more of those three things as we deal with our fellow man. Well, right now, you're asking the wrong guy for that! Humans, myself included, complain too much. In the universal scheme of things, we are no bigger than ants. So you crying like that guy in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Stop It! The currency in China didn't fluctuate because you're heartbroken. Scientists are no closer to finding out the secrets of the universe because you're all teary-eyed.
And by the way, I'm a firm believer in that what is good for the goose IS good for the gander. So to all those who know me, and we roll like that, if you think I'm crying about something, PLEASE, tell me! 'Cause nothing annoys me more, at least so far this year, than a crier! Later!
• DON'T cry to me at email@example.com