Sat | Feb 17, 2018

Never Been Dumped

Published:Monday | May 23, 2016 | 12:00 AMKrysta Anderson

We've all heard of 'never been kissed'. By all accounts, if you fall into this category, it is a sure-fire sign that you are missing out.

But what of 'never been dumped'? In an impromptu panel discussion recently, I was shocked to discover that I was the only one in the group that has ever been dumped!

According to them, they are always the ones doing the dumping. Naturally, this was where I took my virtual walk of shame and tried to quickly change the topic. But to add insult to injury, they said that it is their belief that it makes no difference in how much it hurt, whether you are getting dumped or doing the dumping - a break-up is just a break-up, and it comes with the same amount of pain. But how can you attest to an action you've no experience with?

This got me thinking: was I alone in the world as a 'twiddle dumped'? I asked a few readers to take a stroll down memory lane and here is what they had to tell the Flair:

Yes, I have been dumped, and yes, there is a difference. One person has the handle, the other has the blade. The dumper pushes the knife into the dumped's heart and consequently, one is left more wounded than the other. I'd rather be the dumper any day

- D.R, male, 27

Yes, I've been dumped before, and I've dumped boyfriends in the past. There is a difference, because the person who does the dumping has control over their emotions for the most part. They know why the relationship cannot work and come to the conclusion that this relationship is not working. The person who has been dumped is left with all these unanswered questions as to why they were not good enough for this relationship to last, and they experience the shock that someone who once wanted them no longer does.

- M.A., female, 28

I've never been dumped. I always realise that it isn't working out so it's usually a mutual agreement.

- O.A, male, 32

The person doing the dumping is usually the one with the upper hand or the more dominant person in the relationship. I have only been dumped once because I have a dominant personality and I usually know when to walk away. Some would say my ego pushes me to walk before the other person gets a chance to do so. The only guy who has ever dumped me had the same personality as me, and so I saw my very own actions played out against me.

- T.P., female, 26

I have been dumped. There is a difference sometimes - I'd say because it may mean that you were either disillusioned about how well the relationship was going or were committed to trying to make improvements because you saw the relationship as worthwhile. But when you do the dumping, you clearly don't see the relationship as having potential or worthy of further investment. But sometimes, because in some situations, the difference between being dumped and doing the dumping is simply who had the courage to do it first.

- K.M., female, 26

Well, there is and isn't a difference, based on how you look at it. On one side, because both parties are out of a relationship - doesn't matter who did it. At the end of the day, both are without a partner. And that sucks. On the other hand, it's kind of more liberating and empowering to be the dumper. As a dumper, you feel like you have a mental and emotional edge over the dumped especially when they want you back. Besides, who likes to be dumped?

- D.S., male, 24

I've been dumped once. I told him I needed some space and he took it as a sign that I was about to dump him and promptly dumped me instead. There is definitely a difference between being the dumper and the dumped. When you are dumped you question yourself: Is there something I could have done differently? Am I not good enough? Is there someone else?

When you are the one who did the dumping, then you are pressured by the other party and blamed for everything that went wrong, because you took that step, he or she tries to make you feel guilty. This time the questions you ask yourself are different - did I do the right thing? Am I really sure this is the best decision?

- M.A., female, 34

No, I have never been dumped - it has been either mutual or I've ended it first. Yes, there is a difference because even mutual break-ups sometimes make you feel like you were dumped. Maybe there is unfinished business, or maybe it's just pure disbelief that you are at that point in a relationship where you probably thought it was the best ever, but you agree with the break-up anyway.

- J.M., female, 31

I have never been dumped because if you are smart enough you see the signs that this relationship is coming to an end, you follow that rhythm and take away yourself.

- J.F., male, 30

I've been dumped and I've dumped someone in the past. To me, the difference depends on how much you were into the person. You can be in love with someone and know that that person is not good for you so you have to dump them sometimes love is not enough. And you being dumped by someone you are deeply in love with can hurt just as much.

- L.H., female, 36