Sun | Sep 24, 2017

Kelly's World | The ideal wedding (that you will never see happen)

Published:Monday | July 17, 2017 | 7:00 AM

 

There's a saying about weddings, something borrowed, something blue ... blah blah blah.

If I had my way, and some people might be quite disturbed by the following list, there are some things I think we should be able to do at weddings without any fuss from relatives (or the law).

First, I understand the sanctity of a church. So drinking booze during the ceremony can't be something I'd recommend.

So since alcohol in the sanctuary is uncool, maybe we should just not have weddings in churches at all.

You know, keep them in the outdoors, when it's nice and warm so the guests might need a mojito or two to cool down.

Nothing like a swig of the good stuff while your friends and relatives are saying "I do". Especially if you feel they should be saying "I don't".

 

SOFTENING THE BLOW

 

It won't stop them from making one of the biggest mistakes of their lives, but it should soften the blow.

However, if we do continue to use churches, shouldn't there be a fine or something for people who 'accidentally' cough or sneeze when the pastor says if there is anyone here who feel these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace?

I've seen a few grooms looking around nervously as if there actually might be someone bat crap crazy enough to do it. They should be fined too, but they'll suffer enough in marriage anyway.

Anyway, the fines collected could go towards the 'church building fund' (aka pastor's new Benz).

And what's with the everlasting photoshoots of the bridal parties? Look yah, man, sometimes by the time they reach the reception, your great uncle who barely made it out the house because of ill health, passes away from starvation.

If it was up to me, the photoshoots would be 30 minutes. End of story. Any longer, and the guests waiting at the reception should be paid. Or at least get extra souvenirs and cake.

I know this next suggestion definitely won't go down well. How about taking bets about how long the marriage will last?

Yeah, I'm pretty certain the Betting Gaming and Lotteries Commission would have an issue with that.

But somehow I don't think it's that bad an endeavour. I've been to a few weddings in my life and to be brutally honest, there were at least two I should have known weren't going to go the distance.

 

WEDDING BOOKIE

 

Now, if we had a wedding bookie keeping tabs of the duration, I might have been able to eat a food.

Jamaicans are innovative people. So, surely, we can have a little punters corner where you can place your wagers.

So betting on a year might get you odds of 13-to-1, two years might fetch 5-to-1 and five years 2-to-1.

Odds that the wedding ceremony may never be completed could go at 50-to-1. Odds that the maid of honour signs her name in the bride's place accidentally could be like 65-to-1.

So what do you think. I should take up the wedding planning business, don't it? Yes? No? Too much? Meh!

- Link me at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com