Mon | Sep 23, 2019

About you and me: Let’s talk

Published:Monday | July 29, 2019 | 12:24 AM

Paul and his girlfriend, Hanna, have been together for two years. Just last week, she found out that he’s waist deep in debt.

John was surprised when his betrothed confessed at dinner that she once had a serious relationship with another man (but she called off the engagement) who later broke her heart.

Tara had no idea that when her beau, Lincoln, said that he was talking on extracurricular activities, it meant sleeping with other girls.

Married for 19 years, Sierra didn’t know how to tell her husband, Shawn, that she has an insatiable sexual appetite. So she cheats on him, initiating flings every chance she gets.

Timothy didn’t know how to tell his love of 10 years that while he has strong feelings for her, he could never tie the knot with her because he doesn’t believe in marriage.

Fresh couples are making ‘getting past the ‘talking’ stage’ their new relationship goals. While we understand that this phase speaks directly to the initial stages where nothing is truly defined, let’s address a difficulty many partners face after they cross over this happy-go-lucky period.

By all accounts, there are lovers out there who aren’t taking the time out to engage in stimulating conversation: ones that are mature, honest, profound, thought-provoking, emotion-stirring, but ultimately fulfilling.

Let’s face it: people are comfortable acting out their every erotic desire, but find it hard to put into words how they feel about certain situations. We take for granted that these will present themselves over time, but some actually live in fear that they will lose their lover if they reveal too much. It is good to know where your significant other stands, especially on topics that are considered out of bounds or downright taboo. And sometimes, there are deep-rooted reasons for a person’s rationale or their behaviour in ‘About You and Me: Let’s Talk’. The Flair is here to break the silence, dish on matters seldom spoken.

Finances

Knowing your significant other’s view on finances or where he or she stands on saving and investment habits can give the greatest insight in building a partnership. Understandably, it can be seen as tricky since no one wants to be seen as nosy or a gold-digger. Concern, too, about finances doesn’t have to be motivated by a need to take: it might actually be inspired by the desire to manage, and, in some cases, assist. Once you develop trust in each other, then you both can take baby steps in creating an empire together. Finances for thought.

Future plans

So many live in the now. And while that is amazing, flowing without any direction whatsoever can lead you to dangerous waters. That doesn’t mean that this conversation has to take place from initial contact, but over time, clear lines should be established on a desired destination: how you feel about marriage and children should also be discussed so as to avoid turbulence down the road. If you both differ fundamentally, it makes no sense to hang around hoping the other will change: it’s best to call a spade just that and move on.

Long- and short-term goals

This is seen as a long-standing joke on dates: what are your long-term and short-term goals? But think about it: if this is asked, then it could mean that they are interested in your professional and personal development, and not just about what is going on below the waist. Not a goal setter? Maybe you should be, and this particular partner could be the drive you need to achieve your dreams.

Emotional backgrounds

Unpacking emotional baggage can be a sordid ordeal. Phrases like ‘all men are dogs’ and ‘you can’t trust a woman’ are usually thrown around loosely, without any real evidence to support the claim. Instead of crying in reckless abandon, look into the specifics of why it went wrong, what both parties could have done differently, and, more important, what was learned from the experience. Also, withholding trauma from the past can do your current relationship more harm than good because whatever is in the dark always finds its way to the light.

Fantasies

Who doesn’t want to fulfil their lover’s fantasy? But what if it compromises your beliefs, what do you do then? Have a discussion and find out how your partner feels about monogamy, polygamy, threesomes, and orgies, before you go in too deep, and are unable to get out.

This could be the ultimate deal breaker if a person is hell-bent on making a fixed fantasy an inconvenient or heartbreaking reality.

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com