Anthony Gambrill: Too big to fail
First Person: We thought we were too big to fail.
Second Person: I thought that was just American banks.
First: No, no, it was us. At first, we were going to make it a December to remember.
Second: Now it has turned out to be a February to forget.
First: We thought the light at the end of the tunnel was the sign of a bright future.
Second: Instead, it was a train coming our way.
First: It was ours to win a month before the vote.
Second: But we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
First: The paradigm shifted.
Second: We lost focus. Too many unforced errors, as they say in tennis.
First: Politricks failed us.
Second: We didn't have enough of them.
First: Well, I hear we got the usual paper bag donations from drug dealers and lottery scammers.
Second: Did Trafigura come good?
First: Not this time.
Second: And did any of the Outameni money help out?
First: Not that I know.
Second: Not even a smalls from the sale of light bulbs?
First: Nobody's talking about that one.
Second: Looks like we dreamt the impossible dream and it turned out to be a nightmare.
First: We thought the people would take us to higher heights.
Second: We were depending on the die-hearted.
First: They certainly came to all our rallies, ate our curry goat, drank our rum.
Second: ... took the bills we gave them.
First: Maybe we didn't incentivise them enough?
Second: Possibly, but Andrew outsmarted us.
First: Borrowed from our playbook ... .
Second: ... copied our ground game ... .
First: ... become the flavour of the week ... .
Second: ... the soup du jour.
First: You know, they say Sista P should have had that debate.
Second: True, she was depending too much on
First: And Peter criticising Andrew's house... .
Second: ... everybody wanted one of those!
First: It was the $1.6-million tax thing that licked us.
Second: It made them the party of the poor.
First: Remember last election Andrew told them times would be tough?
Second: Yeah, and see what telling the truth got him?
First: Anyway, it's a good thing we lost, because we probably would have had to appoint new ministers, create more ministries, buy more SUVs.
Second: Now, we have fewer SUVs, because Andrew took ours back.
First: Where do we go from here?
Second: Regroup, recalibrate, rethink or it's going to be dÈj‡ vu all over again, as Yogi Berra once said.
First: Who is he?
Second: I think he ran as independent in Westmoreland South East.
First: Anyway, shock and awe didn't win the day for us.
Second: Not enough boots on the ground.
First: We've got to ramp up social media.
Second: What's that?
First: Twitter on your cell phone.
Second: Oh? No, we must take advantage of Andrew's weaknesses.
First: Like appointing Audley?
Second: That should make the IMF nervous. He says he won't condone corruption.
First: But that's what this country runs on.
Second: He is expecting efficiency in the civil service, looking for his ministers to hit the ground running, plans to be statesmanlike in all he does.
First: Stop. You're giving me irritable bowel syndrome.
Second: Anyway, Paul says he will take responsibility for the loss.
First: We must make sense of our loss. Exceed our expectations. Hold a vigil. Loiter with intent ... er, no, I didn't mean that one.
Second: Forwards ever, backwards never.
First: I second that, but to tell you the truth ... .
First: There is no doubt Andrew was Man of the Match.
- Anthony Gambrill is a playwright. Email feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org.