Sat | Mar 28, 2020

Anthony Gambrill: Too big to fail

Published:Sunday | March 27, 2016 | 12:00 AM
Anthony Gambrill

First Person: We thought we were too big to fail.

Second Person: I thought that was just American banks.

First: No, no, it was us. At first, we were going to make it a December to remember.

Second: Now it has turned out to be a February to forget.

First: We thought the light at the end of the tunnel was the sign of a bright future.

Second: Instead, it was a train coming our way.

First: It was ours to win a month before the vote.

Second: But we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

First: The paradigm shifted.

Second: We lost focus. Too many unforced errors, as they say in tennis.

First: Politricks failed us.

Second: We didn't have enough of them.

First: Well, I hear we got the usual paper bag donations from drug dealers and lottery scammers.

Second: Did Trafigura come good?

First: Not this time.

Second: And did any of the Outameni money help out?

First: Not that I know.

Second: Not even a smalls from the sale of light bulbs?

First: Nobody's talking about that one.

Second: Looks like we dreamt the impossible dream and it turned out to be a nightmare.

First: We thought the people would take us to higher heights.

Second: We were depending on the die-hearted.

First: They certainly came to all our rallies, ate our curry goat, drank our rum.

Second: ... took the bills we gave them.

First: Maybe we didn't incentivise them enough?

Second: Possibly, but Andrew outsmarted us.

First: Borrowed from our playbook ... .

Second: ... copied our ground game ... .

First: ... become the flavour of the week ... .

Second: ... the soup du jour.

First: You know, they say Sista P should have had that debate.

Second: True, she was depending too much on


First: And Peter criticising Andrew's house... .

Second: ... everybody wanted one of those!

First: It was the $1.6-million tax thing that licked us.

Second: It made them the party of the poor.

First: Remember last election Andrew told them times would be tough?

Second: Yeah, and see what telling the truth got him?

First: Anyway, it's a good thing we lost, because we probably would have had to appoint new ministers, create more ministries, buy more SUVs.

Second: Now, we have fewer SUVs, because Andrew took ours back.

First: Where do we go from here?

Second: Regroup, recalibrate, rethink or it's going to be dÈj‡ vu all over again, as Yogi Berra once said.

First: Who is he?

Second: I think he ran as independent in Westmoreland South East.

First: Anyway, shock and awe didn't win the day for us.

Second: Not enough boots on the ground.

First: We've got to ramp up social media.

Second: What's that?

First: Twitter on your cell phone.

Second: Oh? No, we must take advantage of Andrew's weaknesses.

First: Like appointing Audley?

Second: That should make the IMF nervous. He says he won't condone corruption.

First: But that's what this country runs on.

Second: He is expecting efficiency in the civil service, looking for his ministers to hit the ground running, plans to be statesmanlike in all he does.

First: Stop. You're giving me irritable bowel syndrome.

Second: Anyway, Paul says he will take responsibility for the loss.

First: We must make sense of our loss. Exceed our expectations. Hold a vigil. Loiter with intent ... er, no, I didn't mean that one.

Second: Forwards ever, backwards never.

First: I second that, but to tell you the truth ... .

Second: What?

First: There is no doubt Andrew was Man of the Match.

- Anthony Gambrill is a playwright. Email feedback to