Thu | Aug 17, 2017

Gordon Robinson | Holy crap!

Published:Sunday | September 11, 2016 | 9:00 AM

The Christian Church has made a mockery of God's encouragement to all humans: "Go ye forth and multiply" (Genesis 9:7).

Or, as King James translated it for all white Christians, "And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein." Yet, the Church's self-serving dogma regarding human beings' only natural tool of multiplication (vaginal sex between man and woman) has ensured long division instead; sadness and loneliness for too many of its female members; and church sistren feeling compelled to 'unnatural' behaviour in order to 'obey'.

According to the Christian Church, vaginal sex between man and woman is permissible only within the boundaries of church-sanctified marriage. This ensures regular expansion of the Church's coffers at great sociological expense. The Church works assiduously to keep sex in the Dark Ages despite the 50-year-old findings of Masters and Johnson, today's advanced understanding of women's roles, and women's wide vistas of new opportunity. Thus, the Church promotes and encourages a viciously destructive sociological cycle from which it profits as victims turn to the Church for 'salvation' from worldly crosses.

Today, UWI graduates 2.5 women for every man. Emboldened by church dogma stipulating that women must worship them as man worships Christ (Ephesians 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3), Jamaica's male youth avoid the drudgery of education in favour of 'rubbing hand middle' on the street corner. Where does today's educated woman find a suitable partner? How does she juggle professional life and obey church dogma regarding the sole path to permissible sex?

 

MORAL CONFUSION

 

All sorts of unnecessary moral conundrums and sexual gymnastics have been concocted by brainwashed single women trying to remain faithful to church dogma. Enlightened women ask only to be treated with respect, but, recognising today's numerical realities, are fully prepared to share men. Muslim women, generally far more advanced philosophically than their Christian counterparts, understand this necessity and work with it willingly within a set of practical religious rules.

Too many single Christian women recoil in abhorrence when any discussion turns towards sharing. Statements like "I'll never be #2" are thrown around like confetti tossed at a wedding by the groom's girlfriend, with whom he spent the night before and with whom he'll spend the night after.

 

I've got your picture

that you gave to me

and it's signed with love

just like it used to be.

The only thing different;

the only thing new:

I've got your picture

She's got you

These 'Never #2' women, securely wrapped in their church-imposed moral compass, proceed upon a series of casual relationships with unsuitable and incompatible 'single' men. These relationships neither last nor satisfy.

 

I've got the records

that we used to share

and they still sound the same

as when you were here.

The only thing different;

The only thing new:

I've got the records,

She's got you.

Unknown to women proudly wearing the 'Miss Number One' sash, they are not, in reality, in the boyfriend's top three. The others all know about and welcome her, but she knows not about them. She gets the hard work and the cheap gifts. They have all the free time and expensive trinkets they want.

 

I've got your class ring

that proved you cared

and it still looks the same

as when you gave it, dear.

The only thing different;

The only thing new:

I've got these little things

She's got you.

This would NEVER happen to any Muslim woman whose legal system of polygamy is based on rules that ensure everything is done by agreement and each wife has her own hierarchical place.

 

CHURCH TOO INVASIVE

 

The next thing Christianity needs to divest itself of is the Church's desire to control every aspect of Christians' lives, especially their sex lives. More than 50 per cent of all Christian marriages end in divorce mainly because the marriage is burdened by constant church interference. Husbands are dragged to 'service' every Sunday, even if they're suffering a hangover from a bad day at the racetrack. Every domestic dispute must be resolved by Pastor's 'counselling'. Eventually, the dam bursts and the marriage escapes.

I've got your memory

or, has it got me?

I really don't know

But I know, it won't let me be

The best female voice to grace country music, Patsy Cline, born Virginia Patterson Hensley on a #8 day, September 8, 1932, recorded Hank Cochran's She's Got You (about a woman realising that #1 was just a number) less than a year before she tragically died in a plane crash on March 5, 1963.

To date (knock wood), the Old Ball and Chain hasn't had any of these problems. Trust me, there are enough marital dramas to go around without adding church-related anxiety. She's been married to ye olde scribe for 35 years and we've never had an argument (wink, wink!). But, she's been lucky. First off, she was married at a time when men were still in the majority of tertiary graduates mainly because of backward thinking about women's societal role. There was no pressure on Old BC to share, so she was able to pick, choose, and refuse, then hunt and chase her final choice until I caught her.

Second, we decided we wanted a marriage, not a wedding, so were married by a civil registrar with only the two witnesses required by law present. The good news is, when the ceremony was over, we had a fully furnished home in which to begin our lives together. When I see the pompous, pretentious circus shows now being put on as weddings, I cringe. Weddings have become big business, replete with extravagant wedding planners named Franc (played by Marty Short); flowers imported from Ecuador; and videographers from Florida. Bragging rights now require weddings to be held at the most remote possible locations, inconveniencing all guests so that photos look exotic and, worst of all, don't get me started on what wedding gifts have become.

Years ago, I received my first wedding invitation, which included the location of the 'bridal registry'. I had to be on Gravol for days. When me was a bwoy, my mother taught me gifts were voluntary and I should be grateful for whatever anyone gave me. Old BC tried to educate me. "That was then," she said. "Don't you know brides get 10 toasters and five carving knives for wedding presents? That wastes givers' money and does nothing for the bride's ability to start out in life."

That's when the fight began. "Look here," I thundered, "I'm NOT responsible for anybody's start in life, except your three greedy sons. I don't care if she gets a thousand toasters. Emily Post taught me to smile, say 'thanks', and then wrap up duplications for on-giving. When you start telling people what to give you, it's no longer a 'gift'. Furthermore, you're presuming people's means and embarrassing many."

 

HOPELESS CAUSE

 

Old BC gave up trying to drag me into the modern world. She walked away muttering to herself, "He's hopeless!" It took a few years, but I won the argument. One day we got a wedding invitation with a bank account number enclosed. "See!" I pointed triumphantly. "Give bad manners an inch, they WILL take a mile." Weddings have lost all pretence of being happy unions of couples in love and are now crude business propositions involving brides begging cash like street-corner windshield wipers. Does the Church even whisper opposition based on deadly sins? Naaah! It simply increases its fee and goes along.

If the Christian Church wants to remain relevant, it better renounce its self-appointed role of sex police; revert to the scriptural "be ye fruitful, and multiply" mandate; and impose only one precondition on sex between man and woman, namely, that they should be consenting adults outside of 'special' relationships (e.g., incest). Whoever wants to remain virginal until they can arrange a church wedding with all the frills and pretend to be 'Number One', go right ahead. Whoever is forced by biological clocks to become single mothers, if you can find appropriate 'fathers', go right ahead. Whoever wants to have honest, open relationships with compatible others, regardless of marital status, go right ahead. Whatever makes YOU happy, go for it, and don't permit any Pastor (with several 'church sisters' at his disposal) to restrict your sex life, make you feel 'unclean', or make your one life unhappy.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law.

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