Fri | Sep 21, 2018

Anthony Gambrill | President Trump in Jamaica

Published:Sunday | November 19, 2017 | 12:00 AM
Donald Trump

Gleaner Reporter: So why are you in Jamaica, Mr President?

The President of the United States: I was in an island called Puerto Rico, but they didn't have enough fuel for Air Force One to get me back to Washington.

Gleaner Reporter: Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico really hard, didn't it?

POTUS: Sure did. It's a mess. I'm thinking of giving it back to Spain. But now I'm here, I'll make Jamaica great again. Do you have problems with too many immigrants ... Mexican rapists, Muslim terrorists?

Gleaner Reporter: Not that I know of. We have the opposite problems. We have too many people wanting to emigrate to your country.

POTUS: Maybe I'll have to build a wall. How about Black People Matter?

Gleaner Reporter: Our politicians haven't come to grips with that yet. We still haven't drained the swamp.

POTUS: Back home, we even had a problem on Columbus Day when the Indians refuse to stand for the national anthem until Columbus' statue was removed.

Gleaner Reporter: Sad.

POTUS: So I hear my people are having trouble with harassment in Jamaica. Has Harvey Weinstein been chilling here?

Gleaner Reporter: Different kind of harassment usually ... peddling weed, braiding hair, looking a money ... .

POTUS: I'll have to tell my ambassador.

Gleaner Reporter: We haven't had one since you got elected.

POTUS: Is that so? I'll see if one of Melania's relatives are free. Speaking of that, how are your foreign relations? Have you condemned Venezuela?

Gleaner Reporter: Er, no.

POTUS: Cuba?

Gleaner Reporter: Not that I know of.

POTUS: Iran?

Gleaner Reporter: It's too far away.

POTUS: North Korea?

Gleaner Reporter: Even further.

POTUS: So where are your boots on the ground at the moment?

Gleaner Reporter: Denham Town, Montego Bay ... wherever crime is rampant.

POTUS: What else is preventing your greatness!

Gleaner Reporter: Corruption.

POTUS: Don't let that bother you. The whole world is corrupt. Go with the flow. I have a hotel deal in Kazakhstan ... . Maybe I shouldn't mention it, I have trouble with the media and fake news. Personally I deal in alternative facts. Mrs Clinton's deplorables go with that. What can I help Jamaica with?

Gleaner Reporter: Global warming ... .

POTUS: Fake news.

Gleaner Reporter: Financial aid ... .

POTUS: Not a chance, but I do have 700 flooded-out cars in Texas and Florida and I can get you a deal.

Gleaner Reporter: How about helping us claim for reparations for slavery?

POTUS: By doing what?

Gleaner Reporter: Appealing to the British government.

POTUS: But aren't they white racists? There is one thing Jamaica can do for me.

Gleaner Reporter: What's that, Mr President?

POTUS: Well, I hear your prime minister goes around in a fleet of three BMWs. It would strengthen our relations if he would exchange them for three Cadillacs. I can get you a deal there, too.

Gleaner Reporter: I'll pass your suggestion along, sir, but the rest of the Cabinet will want one as well.


- Anthony Gambrill is a playwright. Email feedback to