My plea to Hurricane Matthew
THE EDITOR, Sir:
Dear Matthew, I know you want to come to Jamaica to conduct business and see how prosperity is working out. I know you are hesitating because of all the recent violence, and you don't want the gunmen shoot out yuh one eye.
I realise that you are trying to walk in the footsteps of your grandfather Gilbert, your uncle Ivan, and your father Felix. But your daddy didn't come and torment us, so it would be nice if you did the same.
Your mother Katrina did a lot to other countries, but she went by Jamaica. I hope they taught you well and that you will bypass Jamaica, too. But if you still decide on coming here, I want to ask you a few favours:
1. Do not blow down mi breadfruit trees, pear trees, ackee trees, etc.
2. Do not take the roof off anybody's house and drop it in mi yard.
3. Do not destroy the cell towers so we will not have social media for days.
4. If yuh taking anybody, let it be the wicked ones, as they should perish.
5. Find all a di gun dem and wash dem out to sea.
6. When yuh passing mi yard, pick off all a d coconuts off d very tall tree.
7. Please come in the daytime hours so that wi sleep well in di night.
8. Make sure yuh don't have anyone in hot pursuit of you, like a baby momma or girlfriend. God knows we couldn't take that kind a drama.
9. Duh, mi a beg yuh, duh tek time wid wi little island. We been through a lot already. Matthew, I hope this letter reaches you in low spirits.