Thu | Jan 17, 2019

Betrayed by gay husband

Published:Wednesday | October 8, 2014 | 12:00 AM

Q: I felt like I almost had a nervous breakdown. It was 1 a.m. I started crying a few minutes after midnight and the tears would not stop. My cup was full. It was more than I could bear. I had not cried since my life was turned upside down, since I started the process of ending what I thought would have lasted forever.

My marriage is over. We had purchased the house, had the car and careers. I was always the romantic and really always wanted the type of love that transcends time and space. I never had that with him but I still married him. Now it's over and I regret that it ever happened. He never cheated but I knew something was off.

I wish I figured it out before the 'I dos'; it would have saved me so much time, energy and money. He probably thought I would have left him immediately if he told me about his struggles with his sexuality. I would have.

I grew up in the church and got saved before I was a teenager. I lived the doctrine of waiting for 'the one'. I married 'the one' and five months later, it was over. It was escalated to the church leaders, but it was not dealt with. A few years passed and I stayed in the relationship with no direction, no resolution - just anxiety and high blood pressure. It didn't seem to bother my husband, who trivialised my concerns from day one.

I finally left, physically free, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken. I left the church we attended because he was the pride and joy.

I filed for divorce and if anyone knows anything about divorce, it is long, stressful and expensive. His family blames me because I didn't stick it out. If I wanted to marry someone interested in the same gender as I am, I would have been a contented little wife, but I didn't, so staying in the marriage was not an option.

My biggest fear is that I will never truly trust another man again. Now, I am starting over, trying to dig my way out of debt and at the same time praying that irreparable damage has not been done to my heart or my soul. I lost my home because it was shared property, so I had to agree to sell. Thank God I did not have his children.

It is hard and society does not prepare you for this. The church is oblivious and family and friends do not get it. The truth is, no one wants to deal with this level of drama, but when it is your reality, you can choose to be a victim or you can choose to find the message in your mess. Don't get me wrong, it hurts on a level where my heart feels raw and sore.

This is my rock-bottom, but I feel a fight left in my spirit, something telling me that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are the called according to his purpose. If one suicidal person reads this and understands that their situation does not have to determine their destination, I would have served my purpose.

A: It is most unfortunate that your family and friends are not understanding your predicament, and your former church was of little help. Your husband should have told you before the marriage that he was struggling with his sexuality. That was very significant information that he withheld from you. You have gone through much and you need to consult a professional counsellor to help you toward healing after divorce. Fortunately, you have a fighting spirit and a hopeful attitude. Additionally, you believe that God will use all these experiences for your ultimate good.

It is of concern that no one was there for you during your turmoil. It is worrisome that you speak of your story helping someone who is suicidal. Are you contemplating such actions? It is excellent that you are sharing your experience with this horrible husband, but you need to talk with a competent counsellor as soon as possible.

You should learn from the marriage in order to make you a more mature person whether you choose to remain single or take the plunge for marriage another time.