Mon | Sep 24, 2018

Dear Counsellor

Published:Monday | January 5, 2015 | 1:13 PM

Dear Counsellor
Q: When I reached the age of 30, I thought my boyfriend was going to propose to me because he said he had a proposal for me.  He is charming, suave and attentive.  He has good moral values and is honest to a fault.  He is a successful businessman and he cares for me.  I am comfortable, with a good car and I can go overseas and shop whenever I want.  He also has a small plane.  My family knows him and likes him.  We have been dating for five years.

He planned a nice, surprise 30th birthday party for me and invited my family, co-workers and friends, and I was expecting him to propose at that wonderful celebration. Instead he asked me to move in with him. 
I was very upset.  It seems as if he is afraid to commit. Another problem is that he is away for weeks because of business deals in the country and overseas.  Most times, I do not know when he will be coming back.  He is especially busy during holidays. I do not know much about his business deals or his family. When do you think he will propose marriage?

A: It is possible that he is leading up to a marriage proposal and he sees moving in as a step in that direction.  Perhaps he is a gradualist and wants to take one step at a time. However, you are not comfortable with this proposal and you have a right to refuse it and tell him what you were expecting.  In any case, moving in might not lead to marriage or a better understanding of your partner.  It may be a stage he is comfortable with.
Furthermore, you may be overlooking some potential problems.  It surely is not healthy and not an indication of a mutual relationship that you do not know what he does and how long it will take.  How do you know he does not have another relationship or another family? Asking you to move in could be to keep you quiet and happy.
Again, he had a party for you and invited your family, co-workers and your
friends. What about his family, friends and business partners? If some key ones were not there then it could explain why he has not proposed marriage. How do you even know if he is in a lawful and valid business? Do you know if his family accepts and admires you?
If the answer is in the negative to those questions then you might never get a marriage proposal.
After five years, you should have been more vigilant and asked more
questions. You appear to be too gullible.
I honestly do not know whether he will propose marriage.  However, if after five years he has not proposed marriage or talked about marriage then the chances are diminishing.  Therefore, you have a decision to make.  Since you claim he is honest, then ask him directly whether he will propose marriage within six months since he was willing for you to move in to his house.  Please be prepared for the worst answer.