Wed | Jan 16, 2019

We want to have simultaneous orgasm

Published:Saturday | January 10, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q Hi, Doc. I have just started having full sex with my loving boyfriend. We hope to get married next year. Both of us were virgins until we went to bed together. It was quite difficult, because neither of us knew what to do.

But fortunately, sex with him has turned out to be great. Our own problem is this, we do not climax together. In other words, we don't orgasm at the same time.

I have always understood that is what should happen with couples. But it doesn't with us.

In my case, I only started to 'discharge' around six months ago, during petting with him. I expect that he has been able to climax for years, being a boy, but I do not know.

Well, when we have sexual intercourse, what happens is this: It takes me around 20 minutes to orgasm. But he climaxes after only 10 or 12 minutes!

So we are just not achieving that 'simultaneous orgasm' that I have read about. This is very distressing.

Do you think my boyfriend has that 'premature ejaculation' thing that is mentioned in The Gleaner?

A No, I do not. If a young guy 'lasts' for 10 or 12 minutes, he definitely does not have premature ejaculation (PE).

It seems like you have been misled by stuff you have read concerning sex. Romantic novels and stories often give the impression that 'simultaneous orgasm' is what happens all the time. So, young couples get the idea that they must climax at the same moment.

But in reality, life is not like that. Surveys have shown that simultaneous orgasm is actually not all that common - particularly in the young and inexperienced. According to the work of leading researchers in the USA and in England, what usually happens in young couples is that one partner 'comes' before the other. Most often, it is the man who orgasms before the woman.

So what is happening in your relationship is perfectly normal. But I can see that it is disappointing for you - and probably for him, too.

Happily, it is possible for a loving couple to train themselves, so that they usually climax at the same moment. But it takes time to achieve that.

What I would recommend is this: At present, you are quite a lot slower than your partner. Therefore, it would be best if he gave you plenty-plenty 'love play' before he even enters you. Indeed, he should aim to get you pretty near to an orgasm before he starts intercourse. After that, he should try and 'hold back' a little until he is absolutely sure that you are about to climax.

Furthermore, during sexual intercourse, he should do his best to make sure that your clitoris is getting lots of stimulation.

I must warn you that you are probably not going to achieve simultaneous climax every time - at least, not for a good few years. But I hope your relationship will prosper, and I wish you all the best for your marriage.

Q My fiancÈe is pregnant, Doc. I think she is round about the six-month stage. You can see the 'bump' in her belly, even with her clothes on.

Out of respect for her, I have not attempted to have full sex since we knew she was 'expecting'. So maybe she was getting a little frustrated.

Anyway, Doc, two friends of mine were walking along the beach and they saw her lying on her back on the sand in a secluded area, shaded by leaves. They reported to me that she was having sex!

It seems like she was doing it with an older guy, who was maybe 35. He was on top of her. They did not recognise him and thought maybe he was a tourist.

Doctor, can I believe them? I find it hard to accept that my fiancÈe was unfaithful. Also, to me, it seems a little strange that a guy would want to have sex with a young lady who is pregnant.

A Well, the fact is that a surprising number of men do like the idea of having sex with pregnant females. There is even a well-known 'chat-up' line which they use. They tell young women that 'wetting the baby's head' will make the process of childbirth easier. In fact, that is total foolishness!

But the important thing here is this: Are your two friends telling the truth? Are they playing some nasty joke on you? Also, could they by any chance be mistaken? Maybe they saw some other young lady having sex with that 'tourist'?

As a doctor, to me, it does seem rather unlikely that a woman who is 'six months gone' would want to have the weight of a full-grown man on top of her pregnant belly. So I feel that there must be some doubt here.

Clearly, what you must do is to sit down with your fiancÈe and ask her calmly where she was that afternoon, and what she was doing. Tell her what your two friends said.

On the basis of her responses, you will have to decide what you are going to do about this relationship. Bear in mind that if she really HAS been playing around, she may want to bring it to an end.

But the most important thing to remember is that this girl is carrying a child - and that apparently, you are the baby's father. Whatever happens, you should put the welfare of that unborn child first.

Finally, if your girlfriend really has had sex with somebody else, she should now have tests for infection, so as to protect the baby.

n Email questions to Doc at and read more in the Outlook Magazine tomorrow.