Mon | Aug 20, 2018

Want to leave my abusive husband again

Published:Tuesday | March 3, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q: I am having a very difficult marriage. My husband earns much more money than me. He is also very smart and educated. We own two houses and have our own car. Most people think that we are a happy couple and made for each other.

We hardly ever go out together. We are just a couple in name and for show. He is very disrespectful. We shout at each other. We have one daughter. After seven years, I could not take it any more so I left him. He begged me to come back and said he would do anything to get me back. My daughter loves her daddy and so I went back. However, things have not changed. He is behaving the same way. We start to fight again. We live in different bedrooms and in different world. We communicate through our daughter by sending messages through her. He does not eat from me. He cooks for himself and I cook for our daughter and me. He has not changed one bit. In fact, he is getting worse and petty. He is well respected in the church and community, but people do not know him.

In fact, when I left him the first time most people were blaming me. I feel like a fool to have returned and would feel foolish to leave again, but I need out. What should I do?

A: When your husband begged you to return, you should have laid down conditions for your return especially since he wanted you back. It would not have guaranteed you that the marriage would work, but it would give you a fighting chance. It would make him know what you expect from him and what he can expect from you.

It appears that you went back for your daughter's sake and not out of love. You probably wanted a stable environment to raise your child. However, you should recall that you were using your daughter as a messenger which was not a very good idea. A child should not be a pawn in a game of marital problems. A child deserves a loving environment created by both parents.

Your marriage has other serious problems apart from poor communication skills. You are not cooperating together on cooking. This could be a sign that you do not trust each other and so you will not eat from the other. You are not sleeping together which is indicative that you have no passion for each other. This will lead to other problems including unfaithfulness.

Since your husband is respected in the Church, then you should ask your pastor to intervene. Hopefully, counselling could help both of you overcome your issues. Your daughter also needs counselling. She might be damaged based on her being misused to carry messages.

If you have to move out a second time, it does not mean you are foolish; it means that you were willing to give your marriage another attempt.

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