Fri | Dec 9, 2016

My wife is too jealous

Published:Wednesday | April 22, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q: I have been married for two years and my wife is still very jealous. I have a four-year-old son from a previous relationship. The child lives with the mother, but I have him most weekends. She does not want my ex to drop off the boy at my home. She has to leave him before my wife gets home from work. Neither does my wife want to be there when she picks up the child.

I cannot give the money for the child to his mother and I do not like the idea of giving the child the money in his hand. My wife insists that I wire the money to the mother. She gets very angry and spouts many jealous rants which have no basis. In fact, my ex is in another relationship. Surprisingly, she tells me that her partner is jealous of me and cannot stand me. Another amazing thing is that my wife and son get on very well.

She spends more time with him than me. She plays with him. She goes out with him. She helps him with schoolwork. She has no problem with my son talking about his mother, but I cannot even mention her name without my wife getting upset.

I knew my wife before I had a relationship with my ex. We were friends, though not steady. She seems to find it hard to forget that I went and had a relationship with the mother of my child.

Initially, I denied there was a relationship until after the birth of the child. That relationship lasted for one year after the birth. It was a mistake.

I love my wife very much. We share similar values and interests. She is mature, family-oriented and businesslike. But she is too jealous. Since we have been married, I have never cheated on her. Sometimes I wonder whether having a baby together will make her less jealous. What should I do?

A: That your wife loves you and your son is a good sign. However, irrational behaviour is not healthy. She has not resolved your lying to her about the relationship with your ex. She does not trust you. You will have to build the trust and tell her you have never cheated since the marriage and you have no desire to do so. She perhaps feels that old fire stick is easy to catch. Some amount of jealousy will be part of any good relationship. It shows love and concern for the person and the relationship. It is an attempt to guard and protect the relationship from any mishap.

Perhaps you need to reassure her regularly that you love her and you are comfortable in the marriage. You need to tell her what you value about her. In addition, if you have to go and pick up the child from the mother, take her with you.

The jealousy could be due to her personality and she will need to work on her insecurities. If she continues to display this unreasonable behaviour, then she needs to get counselling.

Having a baby together might help but I doubt that is the root of the problem. She has a good relationship with your son, so the child is not the problem but rather your ex. You need to build the marriage by doing things together, including spending more time with her and your son.

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