Sat | Sep 23, 2017

My mom hates me

Published:Wednesday | May 6, 2015 | 5:00 AM

Q: My mom has three children and she loves the other two but dislikes me. She loves her daughter who is happily married with two children. She did well academically and is in a good job overseas. She sends money regularly to my mom, although she does not need it.

My mother's dislike for me started when I was unfaithful to my wife. That marriage ended in a divorce. She adores my daughter from that marriage and would do anything for her. She is still very close to my ex-wife. They talk almost daily and sometimes go shopping together. However, she will have nothing to do with my present wife and our children. She would rather us not visit her even in times of crisis or holidays.

The problem was compounded when I was frustrated and left the family business and started my own business in the same industry. To make matters worse, my business is prospering while hers is declining. Nevertheless, she will not take any financial assistance from me. At best, she is civil with me and does not share family matters with me. She loves her eldest child who is a bum and has already spent time in jail for a petty crime. In addition, he cannot keep a job and is on the payroll of his mom's business, but does very little work. Recently, she was hospitalised, and even then, she did not want to see me or my wife. In fact, she was annoyed when my wife visited her. How can I get her to love me and my family?

 

A: It is sad that your mother who gave birth to you does not like you. It is very painful when a significant person in your life who should be a great support is the one hurting you the most. You need to determine what caused this change in your mom's attitude towards you.

It is obvious that she has not forgiven you for leaving your wife, and perhaps it was compounded by you starting a rival business. I hope that you have acknowledged your mistake in being unfaithful to your ex-wife. But even if you have not acknowledged your mistake, that is no reason for your mother to be disrespecting you, your wife, and your family. I hope that part of your mom's anger is not because your present wife was the cause of break-up of the first marriage. In addition, your mom needs to learn to love all her grandchildren.

It is her right if she wants to have a relationship with your ex-wife and even wished you were together. However, she needs to respect your choice even if she does not approve of your choice of a partner.

You should ask your brother and sister whether they can be a mediator between you and your mother. You need to tell them that you fear that your mother's dislike might affect her grandchildren.

You should still honour your mother no matter how much 'bad face' she shows you. Always be courteous. Always extend a helping hand. Do not get weary in visiting your mother. Hopefully, your mother might come around.

You cannot force your mom to love you, but you can always love her no matter what. Love will conquer in the end, so do not give up.

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