Thu | Mar 21, 2019

Dear Counsellor: Torn between two lovers

Published:Tuesday | September 22, 2015 | 1:54 AM

Q: My marriage is on the rocks. My husband told me he was not ready for children. To my horror and shock he admitted that he has an eight-month-old baby. He claims it was a mistake and it was from a one night stand. However, he has never said sorry to me. In addition, although the child is supposedly a mistake he dotes on the child and sees the child at least twice per week. He spends lavishly on his son. He no longer complains about spending. We are now separated. He moved out of the matrimonial home and has his own apartment. I am suspicious about why he moved out so quickly. I did not push him out. He said he wanted space. I believe the baby's mother and other women sleep with him. I am now in another intimate relationship but I am not sure what to do. 

Sometimes I feel like I want to marry this new boyfriend and have a child of my own. Having a baby has been one of my dreams. My boyfriend is very understanding. He knows I am separated but he does not know I sometimes sleep with my husband.

My husband will visit almost every month and eat at my house and invariable we have sex as man and wife.  I am not sure what I am doing and need your advice.

A: It seems that you are torn between two sex partners. It appears that you are still in love with your husband. You want your husband to say sorry and he has not said it. Tell him that he has to say sorry for him to come and eat and to be intimate with you.

Tell him that as a pre-condition to resume the marriage, he has to make an apology. Ensure that you understand the relationship between him and the baby's mother, and also the child. Make sure you are comfortable with the relationship before you re-start the marriage. He has a responsibility towards the child no matter what. Additionally, you should not be intimate with him since you are so suspicious of his actions.
I hope your desire for a child is not to show up your husband, but a desire for caring for a child. In addition, it is not fair to your new boyfriend to be having a relationship with your husband from whom you are separated.  You need to settle the marriage issue first before you start another relationship. Otherwise you will feel like a fool between these two lovers.
It is a little worrisome that he claims he wants space during a marriage.  He needs to come clean with you because, as you realise, you have the potential to move on. It would be good for you and your husband to seek counselling once both of you are still interested in the marriage.