Dear Counsellor: My husband is a cheater
Q: My husband got an opportunity to do his master's degree overseas. He wanted me to come and be with him for the two years. It was a challenge because I was in a good job and we have a five-year-old son. So I told him to go alone. However, after he left, my parents persuaded me to go and they would look after the child. So I decided to surprise him and go to him at Christmas. To my shock and horror, he was with another woman! I do not know how he developed an intimate relationship so fast with a foreign woman of another race. And he did not seem to want to leave her as he was living in her house. I had no idea that he was in a relationship because all the conversations on the telephone ended with him proclaiming his love for me. I returned home and fortunately, got back my job.
Some people blame me for letting him go alone. Many are saying I was foolish to leave my husband to this woman and I should have beaten her. That is not my style. I still have feelings for him and at times I miss him, however, I will concentrate on raising my son. Am I stupid?
A: Indeed your husband is a fast mover. He is very deceptive. However, it could be that he wanted to have his cake and eat it by having a woman overseas and a wife at home. It is not encouraging that he did not say sorry and pledge to leave the other woman. Even if there were financial reasons or loneliness, he should have cut it immediately since you made so many sacrifices to be with him. Perhaps the novelty of being with a foreign woman got to his head.
It would have been foolish of you to be in a fight in a foreign country when you do not know all the facts. In addition, it could have led to you being incarcerated in a foreign country. You were wise not to get physical with your husband or his other woman.
You have started to pick up the pieces. One day you will have to explain what happened between you and your husband to your son but not now. Give your husband time until he finishes his studies to see if he will come to his senses. In the meantime, it is wise to concentrate your energies on raising your son and avoid getting involved with anyone until you have dealt with your feelings and decide whether to end the relationship legally with your husband.