My best friend stole my husband
Q: My best friend stole my husband three years ago. My husband and I were married for 15 years. We were happily married - or so I thought. We had our problems. I am not perfect. He claimed that I could be nagging and controlling. My best friend also told me that I had those defects. I would tell my best friend the little problems in the marriage. She was a family friend. The children even called her 'aunt' at that time. She claims that she was listening to his side of the story and she became less understanding of my view points and complaints. I did not suspect anything, even when she was agreeing with my husband's position more and more. She said one thing led to another and they found out that they were compatible. They were in a relationship for the last five years of my marriage. My husband initially denied there was an intimate relationship, but he admitted it when he was about to divorce me. They got married and have been married for almost a year. They claim to be in love and happy. She has passed the age to have a child. In fact, she has never had a child. I do not speak to her. My son pretends as if his father does not exist and he is doing very well at school and is top of his class. On the other hand, my daughter has become a rebel and is flunking school. In addition, every time she visits her father, she lashes out at him about how my best friend stole my husband. My best friend tries to reach out to my daughter, but that will not work. My former husband still plays his role financially. It is messy and I do not know what to do. Any advice would help and be appreciated.
A: By claiming that your best friend stole your husband, it gives the impression that you are placing all the blame on your best friend for the break-up of your marriage. Since your ex-husband was not forced into the relationship and subsequent marriage, then he has to share some of the blame. Furthermore, your actions seemed to have contributed to the break-up.
Your best friend and ex-husband should have realised that it was off limits to pursue an intimate relationship and, later, marriage.
Your best friend is being unrealistic and callous to be reaching out to your daughter. It cannot be business as usual. She should not have expected a smooth transition from being 'aunt' to 'stepmother'.
Both your former husband and best friend have betrayed your trust and acted selfishly and deceitfully.
It is not healthy for your son to be in denial about his father. There is a lot of pain and hurt. Your daughter is more expressive, but she, too, needs help. Both of them need a professional counsellor, and you should be part of the counselling session since you have not processed and accepted this new, unfortunate development.
In the future, when you have relationship issues with your husband, do not tell it to your best friend in detail but rather, use an independent counsellor. Furthermore, as you prepare for possible other relationships, ensure that you deal with your personality defects and pick a better best friend!