Tue | Jan 22, 2019

Dear Counsellor: My marriage is boring!

Published:Tuesday | March 24, 2015 | 12:00 AM

Q: My marriage is very routine and mundane. I find my husband boring and he nags a great deal. He fusses when I come home late from work. He thinks I spend too much time with the children, but he will not help with them. They are four and six years old. He is not fun to be around anymore. Interestingly, he is busy with board meetings and his business trips. I long for the days when we were courting and when we got married seven years ago. My husband is big into sports and his weekends are time for him to watch sports. He has a big-screen TV in the basement and we dare not disturb him when he is watching sports. I abhor sports and never watch with him. So on weekends, we have no time to go off to the north coast or to go watch a movie. During the week, I have to take the children to school on the way to work and pick them up from school. Then, there are other activities for the children, such as swimming lessons, music lessons, and dance lessons. He is not involved in the children's lives. We often snap at each other. I am lonely.

The only release for me is a young man at work. He is easy to talk to and we can talk about anything. He understands me. Though he is a member of the junior staff, he is intelligent and competent. Furthermore, he treats me like a lady, e.g. opening doors for me. I look forward to going to work and to having lunch with him. He is jovial and knows how to get me laughing. To be truthful, I am annoyed when other people join us at lunch. Should I pursue this fellow at work?

A: Your marriage is going through a rough patch. Obviously, both of you have busy lives. In addition, you are in two different worlds - he is in the world of sports and you are a career woman with children. Perhaps the reason for your husband's nagging is because he is finding the marriage mundane. Cut out having lunch alone with your co-worker.

You and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart talk. There needs to be compromise. You might have to learn to appreciate sports or at least appreciate your husband's love of sports. He needs to help with caring for the children and sharing in the chores.

Perhaps you need an annual family vacation. Also, spend quality time and develop the marital relationship. You need to consult a counsellor to help you to rekindle romance with your husband.

The answer is not necessarily in changing your husband, but for you to change your attitude towards your husband, and hopefully, your husband will also change for the better. The solution to your problem is not the male co-worker. It is never a good idea to mix work with love. The grass might look greener on the other side. At first, try to get your husband to be fun-loving again.

Your marriage is crying out to be spiced up. Work on your marriage relationship and become fun-loving again.